


Breathing through the coffin cracks

by Charliedzilla



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Amnesia, Angst, Body Horror, Chronic Pain, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff, Gore, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Loss of Trust, M/M, Medical Torture, Medical Trauma, Medicinal Drug Use, Memory Loss, OK OK I KNOW, Past Relationship(s), Permanent Injury, Polyamory, Psychological Trauma, Terminal Illnesses, Torture, Unhealthy Relationships, Victim Blaming, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:04:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7771336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charliedzilla/pseuds/Charliedzilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Knockout´s life has been as unperfect as his medical skills. But after the war it seemed he was finally close to finding happiness with Ratchet.</p><p>However, happiness can have lot of forms and faces, even if it means opening an old wound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>             This is my first fanfiction written after long time and very first one written in english , which is my second language. I started it becuase I hoped to practice my language skills and give to Transformers fandom a fanfiction with healthy polyamory representation. Because there is never enough polyamory fanfictions!
> 
>             ... Also I just really like Breakdown, Knockout and Ratchet.
> 
>             I am not a doctor or psychiatrist or engineer and my only sources are my friends and family(working or studying said fields) and educational literature. Huge thank you to them and of course to my beta/editor [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com)! It wouldn be possible without her! Also HUGE thank you to my brother [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com) for helping me and even comming up with name! I apologize for any mistake grammatical or in writing and feel free to inform me about them!
> 
>            Enjoy!

 

            The tapping and tickling of elegant claws against his faceplate stirred Ratchet from his peaceful recharge. He groaned and twisted his face away from the offending digits, not in the mood to expend effort swatting them away or turning on his optics. He felt a faceplate press against his own.

            “Wakey, wakey you old grump.”

            “Let me rest,” He grunted, turning his back toward the other mech. He hated when Knockout called him old.  
  
            “Well now that’s just rude, dismissing me like this after the incredible time I showed you last night,” The Aston Martin complained, stretching himself over Ratchet’s frame.

            “Yes, yes exactly! Good point! You were the one that didn’t let me recharge last night,” Ratchet grumbled, rolling over and pushing at Knockout to get off of him. “I need some rest, Knockout. What do you even want?”

            “Oh come now, don’t be like that,” Knockout purred, sliding up against Ratchet’s chest. “I only want to refuel together, my love… and then maybe have some doctor prescribed fragging before we have to move the rest of your things into my place.”

            Ratchet was used to Knockout being insatiable, but he almost couldn’t believe the other bot had interfacing on his mind again already. Before he could comment, Knockout pressed his face against Ratchet’s cheek and went on, “Hmm you are feeling warm. I’m not surprised, you were panting my name all night. And I’ll bet you had some veryyy pleasant dreams too.”

            “If you’re trying to get me in the mood, it’s not working,” Ratchet snapped, turning his face away from Knockout and burying it against the berth best he could. He wondered if Knockout experienced some kind of sadistic glee by always being unnecessarily annoying in the morning.

            “You can eat my valve for breakfast if you want.” Ratchet turned back to him and onlined one of his optics. Was he serious? Knockout hated being this intimate in the morning, not before a proper bath at least.

            “Ok no, I was joking that would be gross.” He snorted and Ratchet finally sat up, Knockout sliding from his chest into his lap.

            Ratchet didn’t respond. His processors still needed some time to start up; he was getting too old to keep skipping on recharge like this. But however annoying Knockout was, he couldn't deny that he appreciated the attention he was getting from the attractive mech. He felt somehow younger with him.

            His irritation ebbing, Ratchet leaned his faceplates against his partner’s, the warmth helping his brain module turn all functions faster.

            “Well? Do you think you can make it to the bar? Or maybe we could have morning energon in the berth. Being sappy and scrap. You like that idea?” Knockout purred, almost seductively. Ratchet still couldn't figure out how is this flamboyant mech managed to make everything sound like an invitation for an orgy.

            Knockout’s optics softened. Perhaps he felt a little sorry for waking him up. Ratchet replied with a nod and settled himself back into the warm berth again after Knockout left the room. His hand slid behind the edge of the berth as he turned the heating to the second highest level. This should help warm him up.

            Knockout hated when he did this and always prefered to keep the temperature in every room lower. He mocked Ratchet for being an “adorable old grump” whenever he got angry about the cold. “It's my apartment and my heaters.” He used to argue. However after one rather loud skirmish they agreed that Ratchet would get full control over the temperature settings, as long as Knockout could always choose movies for their movie nights. That was a compromise Ratchet didn't mind making; after all, he usually fell asleep in the middle of every film.

            He almost fell back into recharge when Knockout hopped back into the berth next to him, two cups of warm energon in hands and a datapad under his arm.

            Ratchet forced himself to sit upright and accepted the offered cup, sipping slowly while his lover leaned against his side, lazily scrolling through the datapad. He glanced down at the shiny screen; it was Knockout's daily schedule and appointments. He felt a swell of pride. He had been pushing Knockout to stay more organized and keep all of his important work notes on one pad, and it was encouraging to see that he was heeding the advice.

            “A-a-a, weren’t you the one saying no work allowed today?” Ratchet pointed out, just to mock him. “First you force me to go to sleep late, then wake me up after only a few hours of recharge, and now you want to glue your optics to your work pad?”

            “I hope you recognize the hypocrisy you’re spinning right now,” Knockout retorts, not looking up from the datapad. “Yes I did say that and I meant it. I’m just checking what time we’ll have to start lugging your stuff over here. And anyway I don’t know why you’re complaining so much about last night. You didn’t argue when I was suck-”

            “Ok, fine, stop that. I remember it, my memory still works just fine.” He sighed, holding him tight. He knew Knockout wanted them to live together as soon as possible. It was perhaps too soon to be taking such a step, since they had only been together just over half a year, but Ratchet forced all those worries aside. He only owned a few personal things. If the arrangement didn’t work he could easily move back out whenever he wanted.

            They both needed this. They both hated to recharge alone. He’d been spending most of his time at Knockout’s apartment or in the medbay already anyway, it would hardly be a drastic change.

            There was the possibility that they would grate on each other’s nerves once they started officially living together, but they were already getting on each other’s nerves. And it never crossed the invisible line. Well, not by much.

            He was tired of being lonely. Tired of all his platonic crushes or mates leaving him. He just wanted to be happy and enjoy new Cybertron; something Optimus died for.

            He wasn't sure what Knockout really wanted. Wheeljack had told him he suspected Knockout just wanted a comfortable life with someone who tells him how pretty he is every morning, but Ratchet doubted that. He wasn’t one to give out idle compliments and Knockout seemed to take this rather seriously, at least in his own special Knockout way. Maybe he was just lonely or craved some strange kind of comfort and forgiveness for himself.

            It's always easier for a traitor not to be alone. He knew Knockout didn’t have a good experiences with his past relationships. He would never admit it aloud while he was sober. But in the time they’d been together they’d opened more than a few bottles of hi-grade. This was often followed by a lot of self-pity and sobs.

            “He deserved better Ratchet. You know, I am the best bot like he can... could get but he still deserved better.” He usually complained into Ratchet's neck during these drunken nights.

* * *

             He liked to remember how awkward Knockout was during his first weeks as an autobot. Jumping every time the medbay door opened, acting forcibly polite, and always wearing this uneasy glare. He had to admit he missed that Knockout a little. Well, he missed not having to deal with him mocking him in the berth anyway.

             Despite his teasing, Knockout had always been surprisingly respectful towards Ratchet, both before and after he gained his confidence again. The older medic couldn't complain about that. Respect that was hidden behind playful bickering that later turned into a strange way of flirting.

            Knockout’s journey towards opening up more to Ratchet and the rest of team prime actually began after one of their little fights. Ratchet remembered it to the last detail. They were putting together their daily report about the new protoforms.

* * *

_This evening it was just them. Ratchet focused on his own datapad while Knockout leaned closer to the console, eyes focused on the blinking numbers appearing on screen._

  _Typically by this time they’d have parted ways and went back to their respective apartments. All the living spaces on Cybertron still required a lot of repair, but they had been able to find a few places that were still mostly intact and not buried in ruins._

_With the amount of repairing that still needed to be done on Cybertron, they had their hands full with work. Fortunately more doctors were slowly returning; they were a huge help and it was always great to see a new faces who survived the war._

_Ratchet’s place was just a simple room with berth. He used to recharge in the medbay during the war, but now it was impossible when he had to share it with other doctors who tended to work night shifts the best. Having his own place felt strange and even lonelier._

_Maybe he could stay tonight. Knockout wouldn’t care. There was lots of work to do anyway and he didn’t want to let it pile up. These days were really prolific for protoforms. And boy, they learned fast. Bumblebee already had his own little group of police scouts._

_Ratchet looked up from his pad to check on his colleague. Knockout moved his sharp fingers along the keyboard. He seemed even more tired than Ratchet with his head slowly drooping lower. The more he tried to lean toward the screen, the more interesting his pose became._

_He hated to admit it but Knockout really was stunning. He was one of those bots Ratchet would dare to ask out during his younger days. There wasn’t anything on him Ratchet could describe as ugly. He watched Knockout’s back and neck slowly shift as he tried to support his sleepy head._

_Bots like Knockout made him hate being this old. It wasn’t like he fantasized about his colleague on a daily basis. No, he was still drowning too deep in the waters of grieving for that. But sometimes he dared to think about having someone next to him, mostly during lonely recharges in his new place. These thoughts usually centered around Optimus, but for the sake of his own broken heart, Optimus was usually replaced by either past mistakes from his University days or Knockout._

_“You’re checking me out.”_

_Ratchet twitched as he realized Knockout was no longer almost falling into recharge but looking right at him._

_“You were staring at my aft.” Ratchet didn’t respond to the accusation right away, feeling his vents turn on. Knockout stared back at him, expectant._

_“_ _I was just checking to make sure you are not screwing up.” Ratchet growled, pulling himself together. But it was too late, Knockout seized his chance. In his time spent with team Prime he hadn’t got enough attention for his looks. Well, as Ratchet found out later that night, he hadn’t got enough attention for his looks after “his partner was brutally massacred by that eight legged piece of scrap.” Knockout saw this as an opportunity to feed his starved ego._

_“Riiiiight,” The ex-con rolled his eyes, but he somehow didn’t seem so confident. After a small stagger he took a few steps towards Ratchet. “Hmm...How about we finish this pesky work tomorrow so we can go for a drink now?”_

_“Knockout I assure you, I had no other intentions besides reviewing your work,” Ratchet barked. Even though the idea of not drinking alone was rather tempting._

_“Oh come on Ratchet, we’ve been working pretty hard these days we deserve a break. Look at my fingers, I haven’t sharpened them in so long.” He demonstratively raised his hands to Ratchet’s eyes, almost poking his optics out. “Just one drink. I have a bottle of half empty hi-grade at my place. It’s about ten minutes from here.”_

_Ratchet sighed at Knockout’s needy tone. He wasn’t a bot Ratchet wanted to get drunk with. To be honest, there wasn’t one living member of their team he wanted to let see him drunk._

_“Don’t let me drink it alone.“_

_“Fine, fine. But only one cube.“_  

* * *

  _It didn’t end with just one cube. And they didn’t stop after Knockout’s unfinished bottle. Unfortunately, even the amount they had wasn’t enough for them to forget._  

* * *

             They did not move as much of the stuff as they planned and ended up cuddling on the couch instead. He blamed Knockout. The next day wasn't different, until an unfortunate call changed everything.

             "Knockout? Bumblebee and I just had a call." He rushed into the living room and as expected found Knockout glued to some human soap opera.

            "Yeees andddd?" He asked uninterested, lengthening the words just like Ratchet hates it.

            “The signal was pretty bad so the conversation was short. But he needs us to hurry over and bring our medical kits, they found something. He said he did not know how to explain so I’m assuming someone is seriously injured." He frowned when

            Knockout only made himself more comfortable. 

            "Well why do they need both of us? I bet you can handle it babe. I can’t go out like this, you made a mess of my chassis last night and I am still tired after moving your stuff yesterday." He pointed at a few scratches on his chest without pulling his eyes away from the hysterically screaming humans on the screen of his pad.

            "Knockout! We barely moved a half of my things!" Ratchet growled while packing his kit. The red medic vented heavily, turning off the soap opera and shuffling over to throw some of his stuff into Ratchet’s kit. Knockout knew better than to annoy his partner when he used this tone.

            "Listen Knockout, I know you wanted to have a day off and spend some time together out of the med bay but this might be serious," Ratchet pointed out while checking his kit for the last time. Suddenly he felt his partner’s hands around him.

            "You know I am just messing around. I know you will make this up to me later. Heeey, maybe we could try to fit in a quick-"

            "KNOCKOUT!" He frowned as he felt the smaller bot kissing his back. He gently pushed him to the side, took his kit, and hurried out of the apartment, almost transforming in the middle of stairs. He hadn’t been called to the “field” in so long, it was kind of ominously exciting. He could hear his partner’s feet clinging behind him.

            "Wait for me Primus damnit!" He shouted, obviously irritated about being pushed away like that. Ratchet could see him transforming to his alt mode in the rear mirror. The much faster car was at his side in no time.

            "Scrap. I know you are worried Ratchet but no need to be so harsh. Where we are going anyway?"

            "Bumblebee and his recruits are training on the Nemesis." Ratchet tried to focus on the road, turning on the sirens, he always got nervous when anything happened around the old Decepticon ship. It brought back bad memories.

            Knockout did not reply to that, he could probably sense it wasn’t the place or time for any sarcastic commentary.

* * *

            They got to the Nemisis a short time later. The signal to communicate with Bumblebee was still pretty bad but fortunately he had been able to send them the precise location.

            Ratchet disliked the atmosphere of the warship; it made him anxious. Knockout however seemed to ride between walls of his old workplace with excitement. Ratchet could swear he even heard some tones from his car radio.

             Before they restored some of the apartments, they had no other choice but to stay on the ship for a few weeks. Ratchet did not like to remember it; curling in the berth between these cold, cold walls, still being eaten alive by the memory of Optimus sacrificing himself. He hated everything about this place. Unlike Knockout, who would casually visit the Nemesis wash racks even after they moved out. At least he did until all water and oil tanks ran out.

            They had to get to the bottom floor.

            “I have to admit, I´ve never been here.” Knockout said hazily. “The place was closed off because of the unstable ceiling, but sometimes they’d still store redundant energon down here.” He explained before focusing on riding again.

            They passed a few corridors until Ratchet recognized familiar yellow paint. Bumblebee turned to them as soon as he heard them, his expression giving nothing away. Ratchet could see his young recruits staring at the nearest room, all of them seemingly confused. Ratchet’s smell sensors could already detect the terrible scent coming from said room.

            "Bumblebee, what happened?" He asked as soon as he transformed. Bumblebee gently pushed away his recruits to give the medic some space.

            "Ratchet you won’t believe this." Bumblebee’s voice clicked as he pointed to the corner of the repository. "I don’t understand, I remember Knockout telling Bulkhead that he passed away but- something is wrong, very wrong with him." Bumblebee bypassed a hoard of energon cubes to show them. The smell was growing worse and Ratchet had a feeling all of it was coming from their new patient.

            "Wow, smells like when First Aid prepares energon drinks." Knockout laughed but as soon as he saw the source his mouth shut tight.

            Right before them, covered in rust and dust stood a bot Ratchet had never thought he’d see again. Even in the terrible state he was, he could recognize Knockout’s old partner.

            He could hear Knockout’s drill activating. "Back off, or it will suck your energon out." Knockout rasped, seemingly preparing himself to be attacked.

            "Knockout, stop. You’re scaring him, don’t make loud noises." Bumblebee placed a hand on his red chassis, preventing Knockout from moving to attack, however, his other hand still held tightly onto a gun. It seemed to calm Knockout a little.

            "It’s not him anymore, it’s just failed experiment. We have to get rid of it before something terrible happens!" He gasped, sounding hopeless, his eyes pinned on bot in the corner. Ratchet did not know what to think about this. What terrible things happened to him? He knew Breakdown’s "death" wasn’t anything nice but this... He would give anything to see Optimus again, even in a terrible state like this.

            As Bumblebee said, Breakdown did not show any sign of aggression. His shaking body was twisted into a strange angle which, Ratchet guessed, gave him trouble standing. He tried to push himself closer to wall after hearing Knockout’s drill but his legs weren’t doing a good job. He was covered in dozens of scratches and rust. It was even hard to guess the color of his paintjob from some angles. His mouth was transformed into some kind of sucker, deformed and torn in several places. And his eye, oh Primus, his only eye, at the first glance apathetic but still somehow sad and scared.

            No, Knockout wasn’t right, he was definitely, and unfortunately, sentient.

            Ratchet slowly took a few steps closer, bringing along tools from his medical kit.

            "One of my recruits shot his leg, it-it wasn’t her fault, he scared her." Bumblebee said, staying close to Ratchet in case he would need help.

            "Hm hm." He nodded back, preparing a syringe filled with anesthetics.

            "I am going to sedate him, do a check up and take him away from here. This place is not suitable for any large scale surgery and I’m sure he will need more than a few."

            It was apparent Breakdown had spent a really long time in this room judging by the huge amount of empty energon containers and energon covering walls and ground. Ratchet had a suspicion not all of it was from the boxes.

            "Hush hush," He whispered as he moved to inject Breakdown’s huge servo. The bot tried to pull away from Ratchet’s grip but was too weak and in pain to make more than one clumsy step back.

            Every time he moved, a whine came out of what was left of his mouth together with a splash of energon. Ratchet could hear Bumblebee’s gun activating behind him.

            "Help me with him, I need to lay him down and call for help. We will need someone bigger to take him to the med bay. There’s no way we are going to be able to carry him."

            Knockout seemed absolutely out of place and absorbed with his thoughts; standing there motionless and staring with his drill still transformed. At least until Breakdown was on the ground. Then Knockout finally pulled himself together enough to at least pretend to help.

            Ratchet did not blame him but this whole thing smelled strange, literally. What even was this terrible smell coming from their new patient’s chassis? Ratchet decided it would be better to check in the med bay. He did not know what he would find and the idea of him opening up Breakdown in this terrible place while having the recruits’ eyes on him was not a good idea.

            He stopped Breakdown’s leg from bleeding with Knockout’s quite unnecessary assistance.

            "Are you alright?" Ratchet asked the other doctor, checking Breakdown’s energon pressure. All his readings were extremely out of the place.

            "Yes." Knockout vented after long pause. "It’s just... It’s hard to swallow. Seeing the body again. He even looks like he’s alive. 

            "Wait, what?" He tore his eyes away from checking on how Breakdown’s optic reacts to light.

            Knockout fidgeted, seeming hesitant to answer. But to his luck they were interrupted by the arrival of help in the form of Magnus, Bulkhead, and a trailer big enough to carry their patient.

            Ratchet doubted that calling Bulkhead had been a good idea. He seemed almost as confused as Knockout, but even through a weak signal Bumblebee had probably explained situation to him before they arrived.

             The atmosphere was thick with a terrible tension on their way to the med bay.

             "Don’t you want to explain what you meant by that?"

             "By what? That bit about First Aid’s drinks? Honestly, we could start administering them as anesthetics." He laughed a little but Ratchet could tell he was just beating around the bush.

             "What happened to Breakdown? I mean what really happened. You said he died."

             "Yes. And he is in fact dead. What we’re taking to med bay now is just a terrorcon, Ratchet. I don’t even know why we’re bothering. He killed dozens of troops in his rampage." Knockout’s engines growled as he tried to get ahead of Ratchet. "But one thing is bothering me. Megatron ordered the body be burned. I saw the drones pulling him away."

             Ratchet did not know what to say, it wasn’t like he did not believe Knockout’s story. But Breakdown’s functions were telling him something else.

* * *

            One injection of drugs wasn’t enough for Breakdown, or “the terrorcon” as Knockout said. He did not show any sign of aggression, but Ratchet still heard sobbing with every movement. Knockout jerked every time.

            "There must be energon in his voicebox," Knockout noted, though he sounded like he was trying to reassure himself more than Ratchet.

             They strapped him to a medical berth. Ratchet did not want to but Knockout was relentless.

            "If you want I can do this alone." Ratchet suggested while turning all tests and scanners online." Their machines weren’t brand new but still worked quite fast. Soon all findings were at forty percent.

            "No, it’s fine, every doctor should clean up their own mess. If you do not want to be bothered by this I can be the one who puts this abomination down." Knockout said, growing more confident now that he was not being watched by half a dozen students.

            Ratchet frowned. Eighty percent. "You know, I would expect you to, to act differently around a bot you loved, alive or not... I would-"

            "Are you serious? This thing is not Breakdown. As much as I miss him I am not going to give myself false hope. And anyway, you know it was quite complicated between us." Ninety percent. "I have you now Ratchet, let’s end this so you can make love to me until I forget all about this terrible day." He sounded so helpless, Ratchet wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe that this was just a terrorcon who only looked like a sentient bot in pain due to extreme leaking.

            Ratchet wanted to say something. Something nice. But he was interrupted by the notification sound alerting him that the scans were finished. Instead of replying he glanced at the results.

            "By the All Spark, what is this supposed to mean." He frowned and turned to the body.

            "Open him, we need to open him," Ratchet urged, his partner reluctantly activated his buzz saw. Almost as though he knew what the smelly mess waiting for them behind this massive plate was.

            Well, maybe Knockout did, but nothing could prepare Ratchet for this. He saw a lot of dead bodies in his life, but dead organics always pinned him to the ground.

            Inside, inflated to huge measurements was something that reminded him of some kind of organic bag. The thing was stuck between Breakdown’s internal organs. It slowly moved up and down, up and down like a breathing earth animal. It was leaking energon from dozens of holes in its "body". It took Ratchet a while to realize that the thing is, or rather was, a human. A human soaked with energon, at least ten times their normal size, with purple and even black skin in some places. Their veins pulsed and what was left of the human face was staring at the ceiling.

            Ratchet heard Knockout whine in disgust. His vocalizer clicked but he had nothing to say. The "human parasite", perfectly conserved by dark substance, could have appeared to be breathing but the scans detected only one life form: Cybertronian. There could be no mistake of it, since Ratchet had made sure to program human friendly scan upgrades after Raphael’s body was contaminated by dark energon.

            "What is this supposed to mean?" He looked at his partner, Knockout’s optics were wide.

            "What happened Knockout? What happened to Breakdown after Airachnid killed him?"

            It took a while for Knockout to find his vocalizer again. "My former partner, I mean, my former partner’s body was taken by MECH and rebuilt for the purpose of carrying Silas. He tried to earn a post on Megatron’s ship but failed. Breakdown’s... I mean, Silas new body served as medical research after that."

            Ratchet felt invisible claws clutch at his spark as Knockout talked. He stayed silent, taking tools from the table nearby and piece by piece tried to detach the mass from the Cybertronian body. With every movement more smell and energon leaked from the skin pores.

            It took a while to remove enough to see what the flesh bag had been hiding.

            "Knockout… Were you sure Breakdown was dead?"

            "Well... of course! What kind of-"

            "Did you check the spark?" Ratchet interrupted before he could say more nonsense.

            "Well I... why?"

            "Did you check?!" His voice rose. Knockout backed away a little, wearing a hurt expression. He did not move for a few long seconds, slowly putting two and two together.

            Ratchet grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer so he could see it himself. Inside, still partly covered by a piece of human meat was a very faint gold light.

            "Knockout, what medical procedures did Breakdown go through." Ratchet felt sick, he could guess the answer already from his fast checkup of the body but he still wanted Knockout to say it. He wanted him to say something smart, to make a joke, to tell him he was wrong.

            "Ratchet, you will never understand this. Silas took his body and I…. I just wanted to give all that pain back. I wanted him to suffer. Mixing dark and synthetic energon was Starscream’s order." Ratchet could definitely see regret in his optics but it was late for that. The damage had been done. He let his shoulder go. It wouldn’t be as bad if this wasn’t someone who had loved and deeply cared about Knockout.

            "You recklessly tortured and zombified your lover. You got him to this state! And all that just because you were so excited about torturing a fragging human!" Ratchet’s voice raised from upset to angry.

            "You, you do not understand what situation I was put into! You think it was easy to see him for all those months screaming in my lab?" His shoulder plates were shaking but Ratchet knew Knockout was in a corner. Oh yes, he knew Ratchet was right. He knew he was a reckless doctor, he knew it was his fault. Even though he was sorry for Breakdown’s fate, nothing changed the fact that he had done nothing to reduce his suffering. Ignorance of the law is no excuse and yes, that applied to a doctor’s ethics too. Especially a doctor’s ethics.

            Ratchet wanted to boil him in this, oh Primus, he had not felt this angry in a long time.

            "YOU! You tortured him for months!? You had months to check the spark beat! You could have done that anytime! It was right there Knockout! Right behind this, this piece of human scrap! It was your partner! You had chance like none of us had! You could have saved your loved one but instead you put him into even more pain!" He pointed to the mass still sitting like a venomous cobra in Breakdown’s chest. "I would do anything for chance like this!"

            "WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS ABOUT OPTIMUS AND YOURSELF AGAIN!?" Knockout screamed, and for a few seconds Ratchet thought he would jump him.

            Ratchet paused. It was so unfair. Knockout was so selfish, why would he say this? Just to turn the wheel to the other side? Just to make Ratchet the bad one? He haven’t even mentioned Optimus name yet he couldn’t deny he’d been thinking about him the whole time.

            "Would you do the same if it was me Knockout?" He asked, watching how Knockout’s faceplate turned into a confused expression once again.

            "Ratchet." His vocals creaked after all the shouting. He tried to calm down. "Listen Ratchet. I love you, you know that right?" Oh Primus, he was so hopeless. Ratchet almost wanted to forget about the whole thing. But only almost, disgust was boiling in his body like poison. Knockout couldn’t save this by throwing that rare sentence around.

            "Let’s just... fix your partner." Was everything Ratchet could say to that. He turned from Knockout and leaned over the body, continuing to remove organic tissue. Knockout just stood and watched him for some time before finally moving to fix Breakdown’s leg, standing as far from Ratchet as possible. He got closer only to remove Breakdown’s spare wheel from his back and switch it with the damaged one.

            The organic body in his chest ironically had soaked up the deadly energon mix Knockout and Starscream had injected him with, saving Breakdown from staying a mindless monster forever.

            They both continued to work in silence, broken only by the buzzing of the saws and medical tools clinging into each other.

            Even after hours of cleaning and rebuilding Breakdown’s spark chamber, Ratchet wasn’t able to completely remove the rust. One hundred years? Two hundred years? Maybe he would make it to three if his spark was professionally cleaned. Which was a terribly small number for their species. Ratchet was putting all bets on cybercrosis.

             Ratchet thought his chest was a mess but he was wrong. The real chaos was hidden in Breakdown’s head. It looked like someone let loose scraplets in there. Ratchet cleaned what he could and connected his head to scanners.

             Fortunately, Breakdown’s firewalls were able to activate before the dangerous substance could damage everything. Ratchet couldn’t guess how much Breakdown would remember but he knew it probably wouldn’t be much. He doubted Breakdown would ever be able to read or count like before again. Parts responsible for this were completely burned out.

             Ratchet tried to fix what he could but fixing someone’s brain is completely different from fixing a leg or arm. He hoped reducing his pain receptors to minimum for a few days would help his head recover faster, without the need to use dozens of drugs. That was one huge advantage their bodies had.

             "Knockout?" Ratchet asked, finally breaking the long silence between them. "Where are Breakdown’s pain receptor controllers?"

             He hoped it was just some kind of "disability" and Breakdown’s pain receptors were hidden somewhere else. He remembered once having a patient who had his controllers hidden in some really delicate places, and it was quite a funny, extremely embarrassing story from his younger years.

             However, Knockout’s silence made him suspect the worst.

             "Knockout, answer me." Ratchet raised his voice. He knew they couldn’t be melted like the rest of brain cog, there would at least be residue of them.

             "He has none," He said slowly, not raising his optics from the digits he was fixing.

             "Is this some kind of disability your partner has?" Please say yes Knockout, please say yes, Ratchet silently pleaded.

             "I took them away... I... I did not want Silas to figure out how to turn them off. His body was connected to them." Well, that said it all.

             Ratchet had no more power left to scream at him. He just massaged his temples, trying to calm down. Getting madder at him in the middle of operating wouldn’t do any good.

             "Knockout, he needed them... and now he will need them even more." Was all he was able to say, turning back to the brain cog and mentally making notes on what painkillers he was going to have to prescribe to him now.

             The deeper he digged into the mess in Breakdown’s head, the more he wished to leave finally. He was getting sick with every damaged part he cleaned, even more so after he found out the patient was most likely awake during Knockout’s torture. Unable to control his body.

             Ratchet was able to find a spare optic. It wasn’t exactly the same shade of yellow Breakdown had, but it was best he had available.

             "What are you doing? Breakdown did not want that optic back."

             "Oh believe me, he will welcome full peripheral vision." Ratchet said almost sarcastically. He did not want to put Breakdown in even more misery and make him even more disabled.

             After hours of fixing the most important parts, Ratchet finished his report and decided to leave all cosmetic treatment to Knockout. He may have proved himself to be an indifferent doctor, but Ratchet knew there was no better specialist in plastic surgery around and Breakdown’s mouth was going to need someone skilled.

             "You’re leaving?" Knockout asked when he saw Ratchet finish writing his prescriptions.

            "I think you can handle it yourself now." He was trying to not look at Knockout, "I wrote you my report and the medicine I recommend. He is your patient now." Ratchet questioned if leaving Knockout alone with this was wise but he couldn’t stand the situation.

             "Ratchet," He paused, his frustration evident. "You can’t leave me like this. I... I don’t know what to do."

             Ratchet’s vocalizers clicked. He dared to look at Knockout; hopeless, scared, tired after operating this long.

             "He is your patient too now. Please Ratchet, this is hard for me," He begged, taking a step toward him.

             Ratchet squeezed his optics shut, trying to collect his thoughts. He needed a drink. He couldn’t look at Knockout any longer, nor at Breakdown. He was mad at Knockout for getting chances he constantly throws away, mad at Breakdown for coming back. It was silly of course. How could this possibly be Breakdown’s fault? But Ratchet could feel the jealousy rising; he is the one who will end up alone in this, eaten alive by his own thoughts.

             "I will come check on you soon, but right now I need some time alone." The Aston Martin seemed like he wanted to beg some more, but he composed himself and just nodded.

             They said goodnight to each other and Ratchet left Knockout’s life for a really long time.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             Huge thank you to my great beta and editor [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com) and my brother and cricic [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com) for help with this chapter.
> 
>             Enjoy!

            It had been a week since they found Breakdown. Knockout hadn’t seen Ratchet since. The older doctor had transferred to a new med bay, located far from the Centre. It was apparently "because they urgently needed a specialist like Ratchet." That’s what Ambulon had told him, though he did not seem to believe it either.

            How typical! Ratchet, that old piece of scrap and his bad moods. Knockout almost started to drink heavily again but fortunately he was able to regulate the urgency to only a few cubes.                

Maybe this medical mistake had been what got him into this unfortunate state with Ratchet, but he was not going to be a bad doctor again. He had to at least be a bearable doctor. Or at least a doctor whose patient wouldn’t die in two days.

            After Ratchet left, Knockout cleaned up what was left of Breakdown’s mouth and decided to fix the major cosmetic issues with it later. He couldn’t stand the sight of him right now.

            He knew Ratchet was right about everything and that was making it even worse. He could feel unstoppable waves of guilt and anxiety every time he looked at Breakdown. He spent three days avoiding the task. Three days of reading Ratchet’s reports again and again and only checking on Breakdown’s basic functions.

            But eventually his own pride (and mostly boredom) got to him and he went back to work making Breakdown’s mouth cosmetically acceptable. Knockout had to rebuild everything from teeth to tongue. He was able to get it to the point where very fine cracks were the only evidence that Breakdown ever had a terracon sucker.

            Knockout remembered how his partner used to hate wearing protective masks while fighting. It was the reason his face had been broken so many times. Now it was necessary for him to wear one. Knockout wondered if he was going to mind having it on when he woke up. Probably not, since he was going to be too drugged to even notice. Well that is, if he ever even _did_ wake up.

            He also noted that Breakdown’s chest plate was going to need plastic surgery. There were numerous scars and it almost looked like there had been a hole in his chest that was clumsily wielded over with spare pieces of Breakdown’s chassis. He doubted that the brute had been able to fix himself up like this and he really did not remember doing it himself when he was torturing the body. It was all a mystery and Knockout did not like it.  
  
            Fortunately, he could fix it really fast but the question of what happened still lingered.

            Cleaning Breakdown took him a long while but at least it filled his otherwise unoccupied time. Dirt, energon, and rust got everywhere from the slit on his feet to his cleavage. His days became filled with cleaning, changing tubes connected to Breakdown’s body, and whatever side work Ambulon asked him to do.

            Ambulon did not even seem to want to ask him to help with much beside some paperwork and a few patients.

             Knockout knew Ambulon probably had some idea who his patient was. He did not doubt Ratchet’s discretion, but a few vehicons who had visited the med bay with some minor injuries had minimal tact.  Breakdown hadn’t known all of them personally, but he’d been in contact with almost all of them at some point. He had been their friend and as a medical assistant he’d also nursed back to health a huge number of the drones.

            He installed curtains around Breakdown’s berth after the first time a vehicon visited the med bay. He hadn’t been particularly rude, but more curious than Knockout wanted.

            No one asked any questions or seemed to know Breakdown was even there until one particular patient visit.

            "You might not remember me doctor..." Started the bot with twisted digits. "But I’ve been in the med bay quite often."

            "Ah really?" Knockout did not even pretend to seem interested. They all looked the same to him. He never understood how Breakdown could tell them apart; it had something to do with body language but Knockout did not pay attention when his assistant had tried to explain his secret.

            "Yeah! I am quite a magnet to problems you know..." He continued. Knockout already knew where this was going; this bot had been staring at the curtains for too long.

            "I had to spend four weeks with you and Breakdown because I hurt my legs. You really saved me back there." Oh yes, it was definitely going there.     

            "Listen, I used to have dozens of patients every day, there’s no chance I can remember everyone," He said, quite irritated as he finished fixing the vehicon’s digits. They weren’t really broken or anything. It seemed like the vehicon had just kept smashing the wall till some joints got loose.

            "No I am sure you know me. My serial number is XL seven-four-six, you always laughed at my jokes! Remember the one about seekers and pubs? I came because I heard Breakdown is-"

            "Done, your hand is done you can go." Knockout stopped him. Now he definitely remembered. It was the annoying drone who had a massive crush on his ex-lover.

            "But I am sure you remember me. I can say that joke again if you want? Four seekers are in a pub and-"

            "Is there something wrong with your audials as well? I said you are _done_ , now go before I lose what little patience I have left. I have a lot of work to do."

            "But my friend was here and he s-" The vehicon stood up, turning toward the curtains. Knockout was now one hundred percent sure this drone wanted to rudely barge over there and pull them down.

            "I SAID GO!" Knockout shouted, though it did not stop the vehicon. Fortunately it alerted Ambulon, tearing him away from his paperwork in the tiny office next to the med bay.

            "Is there a problem here?" He asked, irritated. He’d only been there for a week but he already seemed to be absolutely done. 

            The vehicon did not seem like he wanted to try resisting two medics and after a short apology, finally left.

* * *

            He tried to leave all vehicons to Ambulon after that and only focused on Breakdown and paperwork. He hadn’t been in his apartment since Breakdown’s surgery, spending his nights in the med bay. The berths there weren’t really comfortable but he did not want to go back to the empty apartment. Even though Breakdown’s noisy processor wasn’t the most calming thing.

            It’d been over a week and Breakdown still hadn’t woken up from his operation. Knockout kind of hoped he would never wake up. It was cruel but it was in Knockout’s best interests. He could only guess what Breakdown would be like when he woke up and what he would be able to remember. The thought of Breakdown only remembering the torture and how to suck blood from others was giving him nightmares. He did not have the sucker anymore but Knockout bet he would still be able to find a creative way to snap him in two, even in this miserable state. It was, of course, really unlikely. He would be probably apathetic and just recharge most of the time.

            These thoughts were running through his processor as he checked Breakdown’s cleavage for rust that day. Until he noticed the patient was staring at him.

            Knockout felt his hand begin twitching in nervousness.

            "Ah you are awake," He forced a smile, but Breakdown did not move an inch, his eyes tired and dim. He just stared, and it almost seemed like he was not staring exactly at Knockout but somewhere behind. Knockout could hear the buzzing from Breakdown’s rusted spark louder than before.

            "Breakdown, can you understand me?" He asked, getting no reaction. "Can you blink if you understand me?" Again nothing. Knockout could feel anxiety embracing him. He knew this would probably happen, but that didn’t make it easier.

            Breakdown’s new eye was leaking coolant, which was a normal reaction to a new part of the body, but it still made Knockout shiver. He gently wiped his face, realizing how warm it was. It seemed Breakdown’s coolers weren’t working well; even the liquid coming from his new eye wasn’t as cool as it should be.

            He stared at him for a while, continuing to clean his face even when there was nothing to clean.

            "Would you excuse me, I will be back in a while," Knockout whispered, still earning no reaction back. He slowly finished cleaning and stepped out of the room. Working hours had long since ended and he was completely alone in the med bay. Well, not anymore.

            Knockout leaned against the closest wall, his knees buckling as the heaviness of the situation caught up with him. He stared ahead vacantly, his spark in his throat. He stayed like that for a long time before he cried.

* * *

  _Knockout’s optics drifted shut as massive digits gently caressed his back. He sighed heavily, his interfacing panel still open. He’d never been much into cuddles but Breakdown taught him to like it. Honestly, how could he resist a touch so gentle and kind on his chassis?_

 _“What are you thinking about Knockout?” His partner asked, pulling him closer, cupping him like a smaller doll._              

_“Nothing particular, my friend… well, maybe about how much I want to have another ride with you.” He could hear Breakdown chuckle, burying his warm face against the back of Knockout’s neck._

_“Wanna know what I’m thinking about?” He continued, pampering his body with gentle touches. “I’m thinkin’ about you. About how pretty you are.”_

_Knockout relaxed more under his touch, the nice words and pampering was what he liked best. He could have anyone on the ship but why bother when he had someone to worship his body and ego in his berth right now. “Well do go on, I am interested in your thoughts.”_

_Breakdown did not hesitate to continue with all the sappy talk. You are so smart, so pretty, so gorgeous._

_"I love you Knockout, I love everything about you.” Well, that made Knockout shiver a little. Breakdown had to feel how his body tensed but still he continued, though there was audibly less confidence in his voice now._

_"I thought, you know, when our home gets restored or… it doesn’t even have to be, you know we could always run away, together and uh… I would love to have you as my_ _Conjunx Endurae_ _.” He almost whispered the last part. He must have been preparing this speech for so long. He said everything like he was reading it right from a datapad._

 _Knockout was silent at first, and he could feel Breakdown’s spark beat speeding up against his back._

_“Breakdown, we…” His vocalizer clicked. “What happened to your loyalty to Megatron? Running away? That’s crazy!” Yeah, that’s a good start. He could work his way out of this embarrassing situation._

_“Uh, but I am loyal to you too... And before we came here, when we were traveling together, that was fun, wasn’t it?” Yes, Knockout had to admit it was fun. He and his friend traveling around, without the luxury of the Nemesis, dirty, taking all the disgusting medical jobs they could find, that was… kind of fun, but only a fool would give up everything they had here._

_“I mean, we do not have to run anywhere if you don’t want, just, you know, make us official?” Knockout could feel how Breakdown’s embrace tensed. He vented and turned around to face him. Big mistake._

_“Breakdooown, you know it’s not that easy…” He looked up to see this upset face, the sight so gentle and sweet it could melt sparks._

_Not Knockout’s of course. Well, maybe a little but what really fueled his thoughts was the terrible picture of an empty berth, of mornings without someone who would tell him how pretty he is, without someone to rely on._

_He liked Breakdown; he truly enjoyed his company, liked his touches and his body. But he’d never considered him more than a friend with benefits. Was that a bad thing? No, no of course it wasn’t. He had no duty to love Breakdown. But pretending he did only out of fear of losing him wasn’t exactly what one would call healthy._

_“Breakdown,” His vocalizer clicked as he got lost in Breakdown’s eye. “You know, let’s just, leave this as is until our home is restored. I wouldn’t want a ceremony in this terrible place.”_

_He watched Breakdown smile, it seemed like a weight had been lifted from his spark. “Oh… oh! Yeah, I can understand that Knockout. Yes, I agree.” His processor purred as happiness started all processes to maximum and he nuzzled Knockout closer. The Aston Martin felt more disgusted than he had felt in a really long time._

_“Breakdown, I would like to frag you again.” And not look at your dumb, happy, disgusting face while doing so-but of course, he did not dare say the rest aloud._

* * *

            Days passed and Breakdown still didn’t react to anything. He just continued to stare at nothing in particular. Knockout kept feeding him energon through tubes and stayed busy cleaning his enormous body over and over.

            When he wasn’t caring for Breakdown, Knockout went through the tedious paperwork Ambulon assigned to him. Fortunately there weren’t many injuries these days, mostly just hurt limbs and dents. That day as he was working on some documents, he only barely noticed Breakdown’s ex rival enter the med bay.

            “Doctor? Can I talk to you for a moment?” He twitched when the voice addressed him.

            “I’m busy right now big boy, but I’m sure my colleague will help you.” He tried to keep his look flirty but it probably wasn’t very effective right now. Knockout was exhausted; He hadn’t had a good recharge ever since breaking up with Ratchet. And aside from the worries and never ending guilt trips, the berths in the med bay were terrible. No quality heating control, annoying sounds from the scanners… it wasn’t a good place for a bot to get beauty recharge.

            “I came to talk to you directly Knockout,” Bulkhead replied, taking a few unsure steps closer as Knockout finally turned to face him.

            “Well make it quick, my schedule is full.” No, it wasn’t, but he really did not feel like participating in social interactions with anyone besides Ambulon..

            Knockout could not ignore the way Bulkhead’s gaze dwelled on the curtains. They were opened slightly, revealing blue metal. Knockout could not blame him of course, everyone was curious about the bot who “came back to life.” For their race it wasn’t impossible, but it still wasn’t every day that a bot comes back from the dead with a dead human parasite in his chest.

            “Well, speak...” Knockout clearly interrupted the stream of Bulkhead’s thoughts as he turned his attention from the visible blue metal back to him.

            “Oh yes, well uh, how to start…”

            “Just spit it out for Primus sake,” Knockout vented heavily. Why are bulky bots like this seventy percent of time?

            “It’s about, about my riv… about… about Breakdown.” Bulkhead paused, like he was worried to even say Breakdown’s name out loud. He stared at Knockout, maybe waiting for some exaggerated reaction from him, but when he got none his optics drifted astray to the curtains again.

            “Of course, everything is about him these days,” Knockout growled almost jealously, which was funny considering what state Breakdown was in.

            “Yeah… well… Will he recover?” Bulkhead’s metal plating visibly shifted to an unrelaxed pose.

            “Yes he will, but you can probably forget about any punching around. It’ll be a miracle if he remembers you.” Or remembers how to activate his hammer hand or even his own name but Knockout did not dare say that aloud.

            Bulkhead nodded, not moving an inch, deep in his thoughts again. This was getting on Knockout’s nerves. That’s all he wanted? He knew a little about all the “unresolved sexual tension from the past plus some romantic ex-lover scrap” thing between them but that wasn’t a reason to waste his precious time right now.

            “That’s all you wanted Bulkhead? Because if yes you c- “

            “No, actually it’s not.” He looked at Knockout once again; it was like a force had hit him and he remembered something lifesaving.

            “I promised to keep the identity of the troop who told me this anonymous,” Bulkhead began. Not like it mattered, Knockout couldn’t tell them apart even if they paid him to and he doubted Bulkhead could either. He had heard them complain about him all the time. “-but he came to me about this and I thought you should know how Breakdown was able to survive.”

            Well now Knockout was interested. This had been on his mind for so long and he hoped for a decent explanation because the whole thing was extremely absurd and made a zero sense to him.

            “He said him and another three or four troops... I can’t remember the exact number, but they were given a command to burn the body to prevent any more spreading of the infection. They said he infected almost thirty percent of the troops, made them in-”

            “I know, Bullhead. Me and Starscream caused that. Continue please,” He growled impatiently, not really wanting to hear about his failure all over again.

            “Ah yes, I know, they told me-” Bulkhead went on. Knockout wasn’t really surprised, but knowing for sure that the vehicons talked about him behind his back like this made him shiver. “-well, they came for the body, but he woke up even though they thought he’d been dead for hours.”

            A few hours, of course. It’d taken a few hours until all the chaos had calmed down, and the dark substance had enough time to soak into Silas dead body.

            He’d never been good at reading emotion in the drone’s expressionless faces but now that he recalled it, when he’d examined all the vehicons who had been exposed to Breakdown’s “dead” body they had all seemed kind of nervous. He had to check them all twice, worrying that it may have had something to do with the infection, but in the end attributed it to post traumatic stress after such an experience.

            “He said at first he was surprisingly calm and then started… he started weeping and they knew they couldn’t tell anyone because he would get deactivated.” Bulkhead paused again, his voice clicking a few times. “He said they owed it to him after nursing them to health and protecting them from… from us, so many times.”

            Knockout had to chuckle a bit, seeing Bulkhead realizing his rival did not became a sparkless cruel person after joining deceptions was hilarious. Oh wow! What a surprise! Being on the wrong side of the war didn’t make you a total ass!

            “He said they collected pieces of his bust and hid him in an old forbidden repository. He… he told me about the thing in his chest and how they wanted to scrape it out but instead just covered the hole with the plating they found.” Well, that would explain the scars on his bust Knockout had to fix. It seemed like the vehicon did not skip any disgusting detail about this whole situation. Knockout was glad; watching Bulkhead nervously shifting from one leg to another made this thing easier to deal with. Breakdown had been there on the Nemesis. He had been there the whole time for so, so long.

            “And why didn’t any of them say anything to me about this after the war?” He asked, his voice low. They had no reason to hide this from him after that.

            “Well…” Bulkhead vented. “The troop said he hadn’t wanted to participate in this for long, he was too scared someone would find out and offline them all for it. Some other vehicons continued to nurse Breakdown for all those months but then all of them died after… after Smokescreen used the Spark Extractor on them…”

            Knockout glared. All of this sounded so surreal, so wrong. “Yes, he killed a lot of _our_ Vehicons that day… What about the one who told you all this?”

            “He admitted to not checking on Breakdown because he didn’t know that all the troops who’d been caring for him were dead. And once he found out, he was too worried about what he’d find in the repository. He was worried Breakdown went all mad again, or that he died, so he just… let it be.”

            There was a silence for a while, both probably thinking about Breakdown, all alone for months, trying to get to the old energon, trying to get out. His digits were all damaged and few of them broken when they found him. He’d been trying to get out of that place for sure.

            “Thank you for telling me this Bulkhead,” He said honestly.

            “I… I am glad to know it too,” He admitted. “Do you think I can see him?” It seemed like he’d been struggling to say it. Knockout nodded and followed Bulkhead from his table to the curtains.

            Oh, his face after seeing Breakdown’s eyes were open was priceless.

            “Ugh, it’s still leaking,” Knockout muttered, taking a cloth to gently wipe the coolant dripping from Breakdown’s new eye. He probably wouldn’t be able to get rid of this problem for a long time, since the dark substance destroyed a huge part of his self-repairing mechanism.

            “He had a really complicated brain cog surgery, so he can’t understand anything we say, don’t worry,” Knockout explained. Bulkhead nodded but still watched those heterochromic eyes with suspicion.

            “I still hate him, you know. I still hate him so much but, but I hope he will get better. Sometimes I thought I wanted him to be dead but, but now I know I’ve never wanted him to die or to suffer like this.”

            “Oh, no, no, don’t worry, he is not suffering right now. He is so drugged he feels absolutely nothing!” Knockout reassured. Bulkhead threw a glare at him. “Oh, too soon? Well, yeah, I suppose I get what you mean.” He shifted uncomfortably. Destroying the mood had always been an unfortunate talent of his.

            “I think I should go,” Bulkhead said after a while of extremely uncomfortable silence. He gave Breakdown one last pitying look before leaving, not saying another word to Knockout. They had said enough for one afternoon.

* * *

            Even days after Bulkhead left, Knockout’s processor was preoccupied with what the other bot had said. He kept repeating the scenario of the vehicons trying to get Breakdown through corridors to lower floors; of them trying to nurse him to health even without any medical knowledge or assurance he wouldn’t attack them. They all had to love him so much, and the thought only made him more anxious. What terrible things must be said about him between the drones?

            The vehicons were a completely different category of bots. All of them looking the same, ranked in the lowest position. They grouped together and did not even try to get into the closer company of officers or bots who looked different.    

            Breakdown was more than a friend; he was one of them. He would never have cheated on Knockout, oh no, he’d been head over pedes in dumb love with Knockout. But Knockout had let Breakdown know that he didn’t want their relationship to be one hundred percent exclusive and he was free to have multiple partners.

            From what Knockout knew, Breakdown never went far but he did go on some disgustingly cute dates with vehicons and even did some cuddling with them. Breakdown had told him about all of that. He could be pretty talkative in the berth after some high grade.

            Speaking of high grade, it had been almost a month since Breakdown came, or rather, limped back into his life. He’d spent all this time in the med bay taking care of the big bot, cleaning him over and over, fixing his damaged body, letting Ambulon cover him in paperwork or just lying in a berth, listening to the beeping of the machines.

            He decided it was time he went out for a while. Breakdown still hadn’t reacted to anything and he couldn’t walk or run away. If for some reason he did start acting up, Ambulon was quite reliable and he was pulling the night shift that day.

            He left quite late, as it did not feel good to be exposed during day. He tried his best but there was no way to make his finish perfect without help.

            Before the war ended, he used to wish for Breakdown to come back and help him with all the cosmetic procedures he loved to practice daily. Now he got him back after all, but he was kind of useless as a beautician.

            Cybertron was healing but it was still full of scars. Shops and bars were slowly opening and the place was repopulating, but still not enough for Knockout to get lost in the crowd completely.

            It was nice to transform again and ride for a while to clear his head. He turned on the radio, still having some Earth music stored on his hard drive. After years and years of war and constant hatred and regimes his race lacked good music or cinematography. Propaganda art works weren’t exactly what he wanted to use for entertaining himself. That’s why he’d been so amazed by Earth culture, they had so much to choose from. He did not doubt that his race would manage to create works of art again; he was hearing music coming from the brand new bars a lot. Most of it was alien but he could hear a few original Cybertronian songs.

            But for now he had a decent collection from Earth and thanks to the space bridge, he could visit every once in awhile for new content. Well, he usually asked Bulkhead to ask his little human pet for it. Bulk had to visit Earth often to check on the space bridge anyway.

            The connection wasn’t stable and they still had to be strictly disguised before earthlings, but thanks to agent ‘whatever is his name,’ the Earth government agreed on allowing them to mine energon there in exchange for non-military related alien technology.

            He skipped all the romantic songs, then he skipped all the country ones, since they were the ones Breakdown really liked, right to something with a cheerful tone.

            He was glad they finally fixed the roads out of the Centre; it was nice not to be limited. He always worried about getting scratches from riding around off road, and the places that weren’t restored yet were still quite dangerous.

            He rode around until he began to run low on fuel. Time to get back to the med bay then, he supposed. Well, that had been his plan anyway before he spotted and pulled up to an unusually crowded place. He was transforming and allowing his legs lead him inside before he really registered what he was doing.

            It was one of the first bars that had opened on Cybertron, but despite that it was still quite new and shiny. He recognized that he’d already been here before drinking with Bumblebee a few times. Though they used to usually drink at Blurr’s place with the rest of Team Prime. Knockout really did not want to run into any of them tonight.

            All his anxiety about socializing disappeared when he realized he do not know anyone in this bar. It was quite noisy and Knockout guessed most of the bots had just arrived on Cybertron and went straight to the bar before any attempt to accommodate first. Even the bot behind the bar was a new face; she looked like someone from a colony. It seemed the place was prospering and the owner could afford to hire new employees. Good to know.

            “Ho ho, pretty! Hard day?” She asked him as he approached the bar, already holding up a bottle of some strong glowing drink he’d never tried before. That kind of lifted his mood. He smirked and allowed her to fill a glass for him.

            It was filled twice before someone touched his shoulder plate.

            “Knockout? Is that really you? I haven’t seen you in so long! Why are you sitting here all alone?” Of course it was him, who else looked this good? Why was he asking such dumb questions?

            “Bumblebee… what in the pit are you doing here?” He turned, expecting to see his yellow-black smiling face, but the only expression he found was worry. “I… I mean, don’t you usually drink at Blurr’s?”

            “Well yes, but we wanted to go somewhere different tonight. And we kind of wanted to check out the new bots. Why don’t you come have a drink with us?” He asked, trying to usher Knockout out of his seat.

            “I don’t really think I feel like socializing with anyone,” He muttered, but the high grade was already in his system and he allowed Bumblebee to lift him to his feet.

            “It’s ok Knockout, just hang out with us for a little while. H-Hey! Seven hi-grade non-filtered copper bombs and one bubbly Energex soda and chips on table thirteen!” Bee called out to the bartender, allowing Knockout time to finish his drink before leading him upstairs. It seemed this bar had two floors, which explained why he did not notice them when he walked in.

            He was a bit worried about who would be there, but it turned out he only knew Arcee and Smokescreen. At the table was also two of Bumblebee’s recruits, a vehicon, and one bot who was probably a recruit too but Knockout had never seen them before.     

            After a short introduction, during which Bumblebee got the vehicon’s serial number wrong twice, Knockout was pushed to sit next to Arcee. Bee wasn’t really drunk but it was clear that he’d had more than two drinks tonight.

            “Hey, how are you Knocks?” Smokescreen asked, gifting him with an extremely dumb smile. Ah, this stupid question again.

            “Well I am still alive as you can see,” He rolled his eyes. It was kind of awkward being the only one without anything to drink, but fortunately the waitress was soon there to fill their table with new high-grade.

            “How is your blue friend, sir?” A different voice questioned. Ah, here we go. Knockout planned to just ignore the question but the white-blue recruit seemed sincerely worried. He recognized her as one of the bots who found Breakdown.

            “Well, he can lay in the berth for as long as he wants so, probably not that bad.” He let out sarcastic snort.

            “Is his leg fine?” She continued.

            “Strongarm, I don’t think Knockout really wants to talk about this,” Arcee placed her tiny hand on the bigger bot’s bust. Quite too long and too tender of a touch Knockout would say. Interesting.

            “I am really sorry officer, but I was the one who shot the doctor’s friend. I am just worried about his well-being.” She tried to look serious, but Knockout noticed how she melted after Arcee touched her. Really, really interesting.

            “Well if it makes you feel better, I think a little limping won’t be the worst of what’s waiting for him.” He raised his eyebrows and threw back the bitter drink into his intake.

            “Wait, wait, can’t you just make him a new leg?” Smokescreen’s annoying voice cut in. Great, just when he wanted to tease Arcee and her likely new love interest.

            “ _Please_ , it’s not that easy Smokescreen. Besides, his self-repairing system and brain cog are so damaged it’s possible he wouldn’t recognize the new leg as his own. He doesn’t even know his own name so far.” He was surprised that he was able to talk about it so openly. Maybe he really just needed to vent. No doubt the drinks were helping as well.

            “Can’t you just make him a new brain cog? Or Ratchet? He is the best doctor around!” Smokescreen continued while sticking a fist full of chips into his intake, half of it falling on the table. Clearly he had too many drinks already tonight.

            “For Primus sake, knock it off Smokecreen!” Arcee jumped to his defense before Knockout could react. Smokescreen jolted a little, probably due to a not-so-gentle kick from Bumblebee under the table.

            Arcee gave him an apologetic look, and once the others went back to their own conversations she turned her attention to him again.

            “Knockout, all of us are really sorry about what happened, but you’re an autobot now, you are one of us and we were really worried with you disappearing just like that for a month,” She murmured, gently covering his mouth with a thin digit before he could say anything. “I have to say, I had mixed feelings about this whole thing, considering I lost someone dear to me but…now the important thing is… If you ever need help, we are here. Do not make a wall around yourself, it’s not healthy and there is someone who needs you now. Believe me, I know from experience, it’s better when you are not alone.”

            “Wow, you are getting sentimental my dear, but thank you,” He smiled, all thoughts about how he will make Smokescreen scream during his next dental check-up were pushed aside. “I appreciate it, really.”

            No one dared mention Breakdown for a while after this, until the table became half empty because it took four bots to stop an overcharged Smokescreen from trying to fight with someone twice as tall as him.

            “You know, I heard a story about a bot with a damaged brain cog,” The vehicon who had stayed surprisingly quiet the whole time said, leaning closer to him.

            Fantastic. He wanted to watch Smokescreen’s face get smashed in from the safety of their table, not listen to this scrap.

            “Well, damaged brain cogs happen, that’s why doctors exist,” He replied, uninterested, waving at a bulky, good looking waiter and showing him his empty drink.

            “I heard they got him to remember by making him listen to his favorite stories,” The vehicon went on, ignoring Knockout’s clear indication that he was not in mood for conversation. But Knockout was drunk enough not to protest and at least listen.

            “He lost all his memories! Alllll of them! But the stories cured him!” He was wildly gesticulating while talking, spilling half of his drink.

            Knockout rolled his optics, watching the vehicon miserably try to cover all evidence of the spilled drink with his almost empty chips package. “You know,” he started, quite precariously,” I was thinking, I mean… me and Breakdown were… me and Breakdown are friends… I know some stories that ca- “

            “Everyone is fucking friends with Breakdown!” He snapped, making the vehicon wince and cover himself as much as he could. Knockout felt the rage growing but fortunately the rest of the group arrived back, a limping Smokescreen in tow. The vehicon backed far away from Knockout; they were afraid of him, all of them were. Some less, some maybe more, some were too dumb to admit it but yes, the troops were scared of the bad decepticon doctor who accidentally melted their friend’s processor into mush.

            “Knockout, why were you siiiittin here!? Didn’t you see how I kicked that guys aftttt!”

_It was so, so strange to talk about him in the present tense. He did not want this._

            “I am surprised you still can talk Smokescreen. If we hadn’t come over, that guy would have made scrap out of you.”

_So alien and surreal, sometimes it all seemed like a dream. He wanted to wake up from it. To wake up in Ratchet’s embrace._

            “Hey Knockout, you want to order another drink? I see you have one but that’s not enough.”

_To wake up before he injected the dark energon. To wake up before the torture. To caress him and save him from this. Save himself from this guilt._

            “Knockouuuuutt!”

            “Yes I am here! Just because I had few drinks doesn’t mean I can’t hear your shrill vocalizer,” He snapped, but still gladly accepted the hand-full of energon sticks Smokescreen was offering.

            “So, did you see how I punched that loser?”

            The rest of the night went quite well. Drinks were pouring into their intakes almost as fast as Arcee’s aft moved to Strongarm’s lap. The vehicon did not mention anything again and Smokescreen fainted before he could provoke another fight.      

            Knockout was too drunk to drive and by the time they split ways, his thoughts dwelled on Breakdown again. Breakdown, who could stay in his current state forever or heal like Cybertron had.

            By the time he got back to the med bay, his built-in radio had a playlist of country songs prepared for the morning.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>            This chapter would not exist without my amazing beta/editor [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com) and my brother/critic [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com)
> 
>            Also, I would love to thank to my friend Err, a nursing student, who was really obliging to consult not only this chapter but also answered all my questions for future chapters. Another thank you to my friend Alex, who was great help in consulting everything in psychology field.
> 
>            Enjoy!

            “Could you, by any chance, turn down the music?” Ambulon certainly did not enjoy human country style.

            “Well, none of the patients have complained about it,” He shot a supercilious look at Ambulon but still lowered the volume. He wasn’t really a fan of this genre anyway.

  
            Ambulon stood there in silence for a while, seeming like he wanted to add something but instead just turned and left.

            Knockout turned to Breakdown, gently tapping his sharp digits on his bust. “So, you like the music? I’m not really sure if these were your favorites but they all are terrible and well, you liked… I mean, you like terrible stuff. Like bad jokes, vehicons, and mud,” He grimaced, but of course, he got no response back.

            He pressed his lips plates together, allowing an awkward silence to fall over them.

            “You know, you are only making this whole thing harder,” He eventually vented, taking Breakdown’s massive hand and playing with his digits. He started gently massaging his stiff joints, before talking to him again.

            “Getting yourself killed like that,” His voice clicked as he squeezed Breakdown’s hand. “It’s not fair. I wasn’t fair but you aren’t fair either… what we are going to do if you stay like this?”

            He thought about finding a nice retirement home for veterans somewhere in the galaxy and leaving Breakdown there; sending a postcard every year. But he knew even if he paid well, they probably wouldn’t treat him right. There was only a small number of cybertronian friendly places like that and they weren’t really treating ex-decepticons with respect. And organics hated his race, it would only put Breakdown into a more miserable situation.

            No, he had promised to deal with this himself. He could blame Breakdown till the end of his days, but the fault still fell on his shoulder plates.

            Even with the knowledge that Breakdown could not understand him, he felt like he was being judged for anything he said. “I’m sorry for not letting the vehicons tell you stories, but I can’t stand them, they gossip too much,” He snorted. “Well, not like that’s too different from me, of course.”

            He felt hopeless as he continued to get no response back. It had been days of listening to country music without any progress. Not that he had really expected any, but there had still been that silly little hope that it would magically cure Breakdown. It felt even worse when he was actually trying to make him react. Stupid vehicon, giving a poor drunk idiot hope like this.

            “Well… vehicons or not, I’m here and I know everything you need to hear so... maybe we could start from the very beginning, hm? Do you remember how we first met? You had a much smaller frame back then.”

* * *

_“And who are you supposed to be, my dear?” He turned to the blue bot who approached._

_“Breakdown, sir. Commander thought I may be useful here,” He mumbled, apparently not happy about being moved from the field to the med bay._

_Knockout raised his eyebrows. “Realllly? And why is that, Breakdown?” He thought he remembered the bot from before; not that recognizing faces was his best quality, but he definitely recognizes a pair of well built hips when he sees them. Plus, half of the bots visited his med bay at least once. This guy, Breakdown, wasn’t exactly his type but he kind of had a soft spot for cute faces._

_“Commander said you are short on assistants and I proved to have useful first aid training,” He said, carefully watching Knockout. He seemed more and more nervous with each passing second. Unsurprising. Knockout always had this effect on bots. Oh how hard it was to be so pretty._

_“Mmhm, I see. And where did you earn this training if I may ask, Breakdown?” Such a cute face and his eye color was quite rare too. Yes, he wouldn’t mind having an assistant like this. Maybe a bigger bust would make him more attractive, but beggars couldn’t be choosers; he was in terrible need of a good nurse._

_“Well, I got it when I was uh…” He paused, breaking eye contact with Knockout._

_“Go on Breakdown, I am not going to judge, I just want to know what I should expect from you.” Shy type, it seemed. Well, at least he wouldn’t argue with him. He pretended to look professional, but with his own plastic surgeon fake diploma and unfinished schooling he could hardly say anything about wherever Breakdown had gotten his training from._

_“_ _I got it when I was a wrecker… But uh! I am not a wrecker anymore! Scrap them!” He pressed his lip plates together, waving his hand and almost smashing a cabinet full of medical drugs. “Ah, I’m so sorry.” He leaned to pick up the medicine that had fallen on the ground. Well, at least nothing broke. Clumsiness could be a huge minus._

_“Wreckers you say? Their medical training is quite good from what I hear.” At least it sounded better than a fake diploma. Not like it was even important. Experience was what counted and if this bot can help him to save lives, occupy boring nights, and take all the cleaning shifts, then he would be more than happy to have him around._

_He stood up, moving closer to Breakdown. As soon as all the medical equipment was back in the cabinet he offered him a hand to shake._

_“Well, Breakdown, I suppose it’s worth a shot. If the commander thinks you could be useful around, let’s try it. You can come by hmm, tomorrow maybe?” Not like the commander knew shit._

_Breakdown squeezed Knockout’s hand and gave him a shy smile. Well, even his hands looked quite clumsy, he would have to test them tomorrow._

_He expected him to leave right after they shook hands, but to his surprise his new assistant stayed. “Uh, doctor? I don’t mean to be a bother or anything but… I heard a thing; I heard that you are really good with plastic surgery. Uh, I am not a wealthy bot, and it’s probably not a good idea to ask this in the military med bay but… would it be possible to, maybe later, make my frame you know, to make it bigger? Uh, I can work as a field bodyguard for you too.”_

_Knockout smiled. What a clever boy. “Well, that depends on how you prove yourself in a few days. But if you really want, there’s a bucket and rag in the corner; you can clean my operating table before you go. You know, to make a good impression.”_  
   
                                                        ***  
            Knockout wasn’t sure if it was his talking or the music or just the passage of time but a few days later, Breakdown’s eyes started moving. And soon after that, Breakdown was making noises.

            “Oh hush hush, my dear.” Knockout had hoped to hear him again after so long but these sounds were sounds of distress and pain. It alarmed Knockout that Breakdown’s brain cog was starting to react to his pain receptors.

            He injected more drugs into him before sitting on the uncomfortable chair next to his berth. Breakdown’s mask was still preventing him from opening his mouth so all the sounds he made were coming from his throat.

            The drugs were beyond the dose Ratchet recommended, but screw him. Ratchet was not the only doctor around and Knockout was not going to allow Breakdown to suffer again.

            He reached out and touched Breakdown’s face. It wasn’t burning as much as last night but it was definitely too warm. His brain cog was overheating from all the functions turning on. Knockout injected another dose of coolant into his neck. He would likely need to inject it manually for the rest of his life; it did not look like his body was ever going to produce it’s own again.

            “If you get over this we can get out of this terrible medbay,” He pets Breakdown’s belly, wondering if he will still be a fan of belly rubs. He got no reaction this time of course. Breakdown had different things to focus on, like the slowly fading pain in his processor.

* * *

  _He snuggled against his partner neck, listening to his fans that were still trying to cool down his heated frame._

_“Just when I think you can’t surprise me, you have to show me that little trick so I can make myself happy when you aren’t here,” He smirked, reaching for Ratchet’s digits, gently brushing them._

_“A-A-A, a magician never reveals all his tricks. I can’t give away my years of experience cheap, just like that.” Ratchet took Knockout’s hand into his, squeezing it._

_“Not fair old man.” There was a low level of irritation in his voice, at least until he moved even closer, wrapping his legs around the older bot._

_“Knockout please, I need a shower, you made a mess, and if I get too comfortable I will never get up today,” Ratchet protested, his lover wrapping around him tighter in response._

_“Oh wow, do you even know what romance is? Falling asleep, covered in fluids and waking up all cranky and disgusting, arguing like an old couple…” Knockout snorted, but after some thinking he relaxed his grip._

_“Well, now that I think about it… a shower is not a bad idea after all.”_

_He had his face glued to Ratchet’s neck but could vividly imagine Ratchet grimacing. “Don’t roll your optics.” He snorted._

_“Why do you always assume I am rolling my optics, Knockout? Even if it was true this time,” Ratchet sighed, embracing the other bot._

_He only got an irritated growl in reply and then silence. Not an uncomfortable silence; it was nice. Just the buzzing of their fans, Ratchet’s gentle touch on Knockout’s back, and the warm feeling in their sparks._

_“Ratchet…” He started, voice shaking a bit. “I mean it seriously with you.” He could feel Rachet’s fingers stop moving, his body tense. It took a few seconds before he continued gently caressing him._

_“I know Knockout; I mean it too. You make me really happy and I want to stay with you.” Nothing more needed to be said and they both melted into curl of gentle touches._

_He did not know how long this relationship would last. He had feelings for Ratchet, although he wasn’t sure how deep they were; but it was definitely more than just bare sexual enjoyment._

_They hadn’t been together that long. Knockout had been in longer relationships than this one and they all fell apart like card-castles. But it did not matter. He felt like he knew better this time; love is a choice and he was choosing to be happy with this bot. At least until he got bored. Knockout knew there was no such thing as a soul mate, no one bot who was waiting for him. He couldn’t keep throwing chances away, he was ready to try._

_“I am really sorry to break up this tender moment Knockout, but I really do need that shower. But maybe I could show you few tricks after all, when I come back.”_

_“Nah, I will be fine with just some cuddling this time. And no big spooning, I want to see your dumb face all night.”_

* * *

            He was just in the middle of gossiping about Ambulon, who was right in the next room when Breakdown squeezed his hand for the first time. At first he thought he just hallucinated the whole thing but Breakdown soon squeezed again. It made Knockout stop talking for a while as he placed his other hand on Breakdown’s massive digits and started to gently rub them.

            His processor was able to send signals to his hands, that was a good thing. No, that was a fragging great thing. It took him over two months but he did it.

            He was sitting there unmoving, worried that Breakdown would stop as soon as he let his hand go. But instead of that, he got a painful whine from him.

            “Oh hush big guy, the drone will be here soon with your dose of painkillers,” Knockout promised, the little flying bot showing up shortly after to inject medicine into Breakdown’s neck.

            Knockout stretched his hand and gently pet his cheeks bones. “There you go, big guy. Well, and now some painkillers for me,” He said as he gently placed Breakdowns’s hand next to his hips, and turned to the cabinet that held the braces. It took him a while to find what he was looking for; he always had to hide it deep in the back. Last time Ambulon almost found it when he was grabbing braces for three vehicons.

            “Ah there you are my dear,” After two months he had developed the habit of not only talking to Breakdown, but to inanimate objects as well.

            He took a glass from his desk, emptied out the orange colored energon soda from it, and poured himself some high grade. He placed the bottle on Breakdown’s chest plate and drunk the first glass so fast he soon  had to pour another one before hiding bottle back between braces.

            He grabbed Breakdown’s hand again, his digits twitching in response. Oh Primus, it was such a relief. He felt warmth spreading through his spark. Well, it was mostly because of the high grade but he decided to pretend it was because he was proud of Breakdown.

            In the next few days Breakdown didn’t seem to have any more trouble moving his hands. He would mostly place them on his own chest or reach for the poor med bot that was trying to inject his medicine. It was already noticeable that he would probably have a huge difficulty with his fine motor skills. What a shame; such a skilled set of hands he once had, able to buff so gently but precisely. However ridiculous it seemed right now, Knockout decided to stick a rotary buffer into his hands as soon as

            Breakdown was able to hold it. He figured, maybe it would help Breakdown’s mind recover while trying to do what he knew best?

* * *

            “Oh! You’re sitting!” Knockout gasped as he pulled back the curtains and saw Breakdown in a bizarre half sitting-half lying position. He closed the curtains behind him as he entered so he wouldn’t have to hear Ambulon tending to a patient nearby.

            Knockout knew he should be a strict doctor and make Breakdown lie back in the berth again and rest, but he decided to help him sit up straight instead. He supported Breakdown’s back, gently rubbing it.

            “There, there. It seems you’ll soon be walking again,” He smiled and touched Breakdown’s forehead, checking his temperature. It was definitely warmer than it should be, but the medical drone had already applied coolant.

            “Well I did want to clean you anyway, so why don’t we try and make it happen while you are sitting, hm?” He did not wait for an answer;  he knew none would come, so he just adjusted the berth into a more comfortable position for sitting and made Breakdown lean back. His eye leaked some coolant but it was getting better. Lately it was only happening after Breakdown got his medication.

            Knockout opened his bust and spark chamber. He was cleaning it every day or at least every other day. With proper care he could add at least two hundred years to his likely short life span.

            At first, Knockout had wondered if it was even worth the effort. Next to the immortality of his race, a few hundred years was nothing. But the cleaning kept him busy and since Breakdown had started reacting to his surroundings, it gave the whole cleaning process more importance to Knockout. Having him around making noises was better than having him around all silent for next few hundred years.

            The procedure was a very delicate one and needed absolute focus. Fortunately, slim plastic surgeon fingers were perfect for manipulation within a spark chamber.

            “No, stop,” Knockout scolded, pushing away Breakdown’s hands that were reaching for his spark chamber. He’d been touching and scratching his chest a lot lately and it made Knockout shiver. It was probably caused by pain but sometimes he wondered if Breakdown was aware there had been a human inside and possibly thought it was still there.

            The cleaning process did not take him long. He gently wiped around the spark and applied medication that would protect it. Unfortunately there was no cure that could stop the rusting completely. The basis of the infection was so deep, any operation would cause someone in Breakdown’s state instant death.

            “Ah, he really is sitting.” Knockout did not even hear Ambulon’s footsteps. It was possible he had been standing there for some time now, waiting until Knockout was done cleaning.

            “Ah, yes he is. He’s making quite a lot of progress, I hope he’ll be able to walk soon,” He replied, closing the spark chamber before turning to Ambulon. Yes, Breakdown was progressing very fast physically, but he feared the same couldn’t be said of his mental state.

            “Just don’t push it Knockout,” Ambulon warned before pausing, probably preparing what he wanted to say. “Walking is not important, what’s important is to make him feel comfortable. That’s our job, to make others as healthy as possible. I’m not sure if we have any wheelchairs his size right now but I wanted to ask the new medbay for some more supplies anyway. You could take him out that way.”

            Knockout felt his spark sinking. Yes he knew all of this already and it would be different with any other patient but this patient’s problems were his mistake. He needed to fix what he did. He did not even want Ratchet back- Well he did, but his anger with Ratchet for leaving outweighed how much he missed him. And this wasn’t about Ratchet anymore, it was about his own pride. No way was he going to take Breakdown out; he did not want to be seen with the immobile victim of his experiments. It was selfish, yes, but he knew that gossip about him was spreading like wildfire. Well, at least he thought he knew.

            “If you don’t want to be around anyone else, you can still take him to the terrace at least. No one goes there except me when I want to have an electronic cigarette,” Ambulon pointed out. It irritated Knockout that the other bot noticed his reluctance to socialize. Well, it probably wasn’t difficult to notice but still, wasn’t Ambulon supposed to be this boring bot who wasn’t interested in the events of the main plot?

            “You smoke? Shouldn’t a doctor be setting a good example for his patients? Rusty throat is nothing attractive.” Not like cigarettes could really do any serious harm but yeah, the side effects were really annoying and Knockout needed to nip him for something.

            “I started after you decided that me and all our patients have to listen to this ‘country music’ as you call it. It wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t every minute of my shift.” It’s not like he was wrong; the music was getting on Knockout’s nerves too and he had actually changed it to a different genre mix a few days ago. He didn’t know if Breakdown would enjoy all of it but he needed a change.

            “Ughhh,” The sound emerged from Breakdown’s throat. Knockout turned to him, petting his bust. The last time he checked his mouth everything had seemed fine and he thought about removing the mask this week. He hoped it would help Breakdown start speaking soon but he really doubted it would happen.

            “I think I will leave you two alone, I have some reports to do. I’ll let you know when the supplies from the other med bay show up,” Ambulon looked at the radio before leaving, probably thinking about lowering the volume but he let it be.

* * *

            “Is this really necessary? These machines aren’t new, you know. What if something happens and we can’t switch it back to normal mode?” Ambulon sounded hopeless, but Knockout didn’t pay him any mind. He continued connecting the scanner screen to his datapad.

            “Don’t worrryyyyy so much. Besides, it’s important for the patient,” Knockout threw Ambulon a fake smile and oh- the cables finally clicked in correctly. The scanner screen successfully connected to his personal datapad. Damn these old machines, he always forgot how to connect them to the new pads.

            “You can watch with us if you’d like,” Knockout offered. He selected a movie and clicked play before making sure Breakdown was all comfortable. It was a shame Knockout couldn’t move the screen right to Breakdown’s bed but thanks to the wheelchair Ambulon had gotten it wasn’t necessary.

            He made sure Breakdown’s injured leg was in the right position before covering him with a heating sheet. The bigger bot did not move an inch, just stared in Ambulon’s direction. His mouth kept falling open without the mask on, but it was just a matter of time before he got used to his new jaw. Knockout gently closed it and sat on a little chair prepared next to his brute friend.

            He had gone through quite a bit of trouble to find a movie they could watch. He had taken Breakdown to drive-in cinemas often when they were on Earth and he remembered him enjoying movies with lots of punching, romance and terrible humor. Knockout hated almost all of them; he was a horror enthusiast. But in this case, he did not want to watch anything too violent, and for sure nothing with zombies, so they ended up watching some nineties comedy. Well, at least Knockout thought it was. He wasn’t really good with human years, but he remembered it from “nineties week” at the drive-in cinema. He had to see it twice because Breakdown loved the movie so much. He remembered him laughing so loud at one scene his horn honked. It had been so embarrassing, oh Primus. But he still liked to take him along to the cinema anyway. This movie did not star humans as the main characters so that could be one reason Breakdown liked it so much. Since his accident with MECH the blue bot had felt even more uncomfortable about those little flesh bags.

            Ambulon left after the first five minutes of the movie. He probably had better things to do; it was evening and his shift was ending anyway.

            It was so bad, oh Primus he hated every second of this movie. The green ninja characters were so ugly and the effects were so terrible and there weren´t enough explosions. He hated the nineties! But he hated Breakdown’s silence even more.He wasn’t even looking at screen but somewhere towards the corner. Knockout tried to adjust his head but he was still turning it away, not really interested in anything.

            “If you don’t stop moving I will fix your head into place. I have tools for that,” He growled as he made sure Breakdown was at least looking the right direction.

            He leaned against his shoulder when a touching scene came on. Breakdown was supposed to hug him back and cry and repeat all the lines the main heroes said. Instead, Knockout was the one shaking and forcing himself not to cry. He wrapped his hands around Breakdown’s arm. He felt ashamed, oh Primus, since when was he not able to control his emotions. This was just a dumb movie. A dumb movie that dumb Breakdown liked and that made him feel dumb too.

            “This movie is so stupid,” He vented, voice shaking. After the film ended he turned on another one.

* * *

            “Knockout, why haven’t you called?” He almost spilled energon when he heard her voice all of a sudden.

            “If you aren’t paying me, I don’t have to do anything,” He rolled his eyes but smirked, putting the bowl of energon aside so he could greet her and her... oh, she brought her new “friend” with her. Cute.

            “How are you, Knockout? I mean, how are both of you?” Arcee asked as she looked at Breakdown, his mouth still dirty from the energon Knockout had been feeding him. He was being a terrible nurse but he had really wanted to test the new mouth. And Breakdown just loved to eat, he loved to drink, he loved to chew; big bots were always like this, they needed a lot of energy. He would have to get Breakdown some sweets, once he remembers how to chew... if he remembers.

            “Better than when we met last time,” He admitted, sitting back down next to Breakdown after the bot made some uncomfortable sounds. He always made similar sounds during his morning refueling, and it made Knockout’s spark sink. But he was glad Breakdown was becoming more aware of what was happening around him.

            He took a tissue and cleaned his mouth. Breakdown had always been really professional when it came to feeding their patients, no energon ended up on their chassis. Knockout did not doubt that if their roles were reversed he would be in good hands. Not like that would’ve ever happened; he was not dumb enough to attack Arachnid on his own. And also, he knew Breakdown would have checked the spark. Or at least have smashed Silas out of his body in a few seconds, no torture. These thoughts were making him sick.

            “Is his leg better?” Strongarm asked, coming closer to the berth and observing Breakdown’s limb. It was easy to tell which one was hurt since it was supported by a brace and laid on a heating underlay. Warmth helped the metal to stretch and reduced pain.

            “Well actually, yes. He was moving his legs yesterday and we might try to walk a bit in a few days,” He said as he fed Breakdown another spoonful of energon. It was too thick to drink with a straw, and he usually gave this mineral bomb to patients who needed more energy, which Breakdown did need.  
   
            “You know, fixing an injury like this really wouldn’t be a big deal in a normal situation. Breakdown had dozens of wounds worse than seven holes in his leg.” He paused; seven was actually a ridiculous amount of ammo in one’s leg, but he kept that commentary to himself. He kind of wanted to blame her a little, but aside from Ambulon they were the only company he felt a little bit comfortable with. “Well, what I mean to say is that it’s only this bad because of his other medical troubles. His constant limping will only be partially your fault!” Well, the urge was stronger than creating a potential friendship it seemed.

            Arcee threw a toxic glare at him as Strongarm squeezed her arm.

            “But don’t worry! His inability to even remember his own name will be all my fault!” Way to save the situation, Knockout.

            Silence filled the room for a while, broken only by the sound of the spoon tapping on the slowly emptying bowl.

            “Arcee… How is Ratchet?” He said in an attempt to break it. It took lot of effort to push his mixed feelings away and ask about his ex-lover. Arcee seemed to soften at this topic.

            “Well, he’s doing… well. Looked kind of tired the last time we talked, but aside from that he seemed fine.” Fine? FINE? Of course he was fine. There was no medical mistake that could hurt his reputation, he was a perfect doctor. He felt his spark aching.

            “Did he… did he ask about me?” He did not even look at Arcee when he asked, just continued to feed Breakdown. Arcee paused, and Knockout knew she was about to say what he expected to hear.

            “No, I’m sorry Knockout, he didn’t ask.”  He pressed his lip plates together, his hand shaking a little. Arrogant, ignorant, selfish. This was all Knockout could think. He tried to fight the loathing but it wasn’t effective.

            “Uwww,” The painful sound brought him back to reality. He shoved the spoon too deep into Breakdown’s throat.

            “Oh scrap I am so, so sorry, you are all messy now,” He frowned, petting and shushing Breakdown. He had energon all over his chassis. Damn he needed to be more careful.

            “Maybe we should go,” Arcee vented. “Do you need any help before we leave?”

            Oh Primus no, he really did not want them to leave him now.

            “Well, if you could help me to get him into his wheelchair, you can watch a movie with us,” He threw them a fake smile. He knew Breakdown should rest after his mineral bomb but well, he could rest while watching a movie, couldn’t he? Arcee seemed kind of uneasy about this but Strongarm was ready to help.

            The trouble of getting him into his chair was the reason why Knockout had wanted him to be able to walk before taking him home. Yes, he was able to get him in the chair himself, but it always gave him lot of trouble and worries over scratching his own finish. Fortunately with Ambulon around, his finish was safe.

            Strongarm was able to get him there all by herself without any trouble; Knockout assumed Arcee must have a lot of fun in the berth with her. Busty police cars were usually fun in the berth. He wasn’t sure if they were really dating but if not, it was only a matter of time before they started. His “crush-radar” never fails.

            As it turned out, Strongarm had never seen a human movie before. Knockout decided to pick something he enjoyed for once. It had action, some romance, and punching, Breakdown liked all these movies.

            Strongarm seemed to enjoy it, despite not being able to tell James Bond and Bond Girl apart. Knockout couldn’t blame her; it took him forever to be able to tell the humans apart, they all looked the same to him. Little and disgusting.

            He remembered Breakdown happily pinging Knockout every time the Aston Martin showed up on screen. ‘It’s you Knockout! Look, look, look!’ He would never admit to missing that, even though it was always annoying while trying to be inconspicuous at the drive-in cinema.

            He watched Strongarm shyly try to offer Arcee the option to sit on her knees. Well, he would try to sit on Breakdown’s knees but it probably wouldn’t end up well. So he squeezed Breakdown’s hand instead. It made his spark spin a bit when Breakdown squeezed his hand back, even though he knew it was just an automatic response. But he still decided to take it as ‘yes I enjoy this Knockout, even though I should rest’.

            Well, maybe things really could get better after all.

* * *

            Things were going terrible after all.

            As soon as he realized Breakdown was trying to get up out of the wheelchair he decided to give it a shot and help him stand on his own. But once he did, Breakdown broke into whines of distress and pain.

            “Take a step, it can’t hurt that bad!” He barked at him but gave up after a while and allowed him to sit back down. He tried it again and again for weeks but Breakdown just wasn’t able to take a step. It had to be a glitch in his head. All the tests he ran did not show anything that would cause the pain to be so bad that walking was impossible.

            The worst was how Breakdown seemed to be uncomfortable with his time spent in the med bay. Maybe it was just Knockout’s imagination, but he would bet Breakdown was scared, just like when they found him in the Nemesis. He could not blame the poor guy; the med bay wasn’t his torture-safe place after all.

            In the end Knockout decided to add more painkilling prescriptions again. Maybe he just needed a little push? Maybe he was getting scared even if it hurt just a little?

            The results came immediately. Breakdown seemed relieved and a few days after he was finally taking his first steps.

            “I knew you could do it,” He was shushing the giant while gently rubbing his hand. He was so overwhelmed by looking up at him that he ignored getting no squeeze back.

            Breakdown was awkwardly putting more weight on his left foot rather than the braced one, but there was nothing Knockout could do about that. He took only a few steps but without any whining, so Knockout took that as the victory he wanted. It was at least enough to get him from the berth to the wheelchair with minimal support and damage to Knockout’s finish.

            But after all the joy Knockout had to admit he had no idea how to take care of Breakdown and work at the same time. He had to making a living somehow, after all. Of course he had been thinking about this issue from the very beginning but not enough, kind of hoping it would solve itself. Well, he could take night shifts or find another caretaker to help. A vehicon would be more than happy to help. As much as he hated this option, it seemed to be necessary. Until Ambulon came to him with bunch of pads to sign.

            “This came from above,” He said as Knockout studied the text. It was a direct order from the CMO, from Ratchet. Knockout’s position was to be changed from surgeon to caretaker. Everything was paid for by their new government. His knees almost broke as he shot a glare at Ambulon. It was exactly what he needed, giving him opportunity to help Breakdown, but it wasn’t what he wanted.

            Caretaker? What a degrading position! But the fact that it came from Ratchet was even worse. He did not want to be grateful, he did not want to thank him, he did not want to think about Ratchet watching him all this time. He wanted to hear that Ratchet was worried and asking about his well-being.

            “How did he know I needed this?” He barked, but Ambulon stayed silent.

            “J-Just sign it if you agree.” He wasn’t even looking into his eyes. Pathetic.

            “Fragging snitching traitor,” Knockout frowned as he handed him back the signed pads.

* * *

            Before he could get Breakdown home, he had to make some changes to his apartment. It was strange to be back at the empty place. Almost all of Ratchet’s things were gone. Knockout didn’t know if it would better or worse having it around but then he found his mug in the cupboard. Well, definitely worse. With his spark in his throat he had the urge to throw it against the wall, but he realized it was the only mug that wasn’t too small for Breakdown. He put it away, trying to swallow all the anger back inside. At least Ratchet was good for something.

            From time to time had had come across apartments that were not suitable for minicons or bots who used wheels instead of legs. It was rare to find a place like that but fortunately, his place was perfectly suitable for all kinds of bots. He only needed to install holders around the place and a seat in the wash room.

            Everything was ready for Breakdown to come home.  
                        


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             I am really sorry for a late chapter. But ah, worry not, here it is! 
> 
>             Traditionally, huge thank you to my dearest [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com) and [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com) for help on this one (like, seriously, thank you darlings). Also, thank you for all of you who are leaving nice comments and feedback. I really, really appreciate it and it's giving me a lot of strength to continue writing and getting better in english <3

          “Well you can recharge in my berth, I guess. I’ll take the couch.” Knockout vented uncomfortably. He had really been looking forward to resting in his own berth. His plan had been to put Breakdown on the couch first, but after he fell from it twice he decided to switch places with him. His shoulders were just too big.

           He helped Breakdown limp to his room, his massive body leaning against him, leaving little dents on his side. There was no way to save his finish after all.

           It had been a really long day. First moving all the medical equipment Breakdown would need and then Breakdown himself. With help from Arcee and Strongarm it was all done in one day. He had really hoped that Breakdown would be able to walk all the way, but he had to sit once they were only a few meters away from the medbay. Fortunately Strongarm was all about helping and pushed the brute the rest of the way in his wheelchair.

           The drone that he had stolen from the med bay was hovering behind them. It still needed to get familiar with his place so it could find Breakdown anytime it was necessary. It had been such a pain to steal it without Ambulon knowing. Well, maybe he would’ve let him have one anyway, but Knockout was still bitter about him snitching to Ratchet. Maybe he should be touched that Ratchet still cares but no, he wanted to be cranky about it.

           “Here, this will be more comfortable,” He vented as he gently helped Breakdown onto his berth, being careful with his braced leg. He did not whine because of it anymore, but it was still fragile and he did not want to risk spending another two months trying to put his limb back together.

He set heaters on every part of the bed except the head, since he did not want his processor to overheat. Breakdown had gotten his daily coolant dose already but it was better to keep it cool.

“If anything happens, alert me.” He gave the order to the drone and after a short hesitation leaned in again to pet Breakdown’s cheeks. “Good night.”

Knockout went and curled himself on the couch. He was so exhausted it did not take him long to fall into recharge. Fortunately he was small enough that he didn’t need to worry about falling off his oversized couch.

He was awakened by the drone not even an hour after he closed his optics. It used to happen often in the medbay too, and it was probably just a raised temperature or false alarm but nevertheless, it made Knockout’s spark jolt with anxiety every time.

As he suspected, Breakdown’s processor temperature had risen a little, but it wasn’t anything life threatening. The drone had called him pointlessly.

He was awakened three more times, always with some different problem that could’ve waited until morning. Stupid machine. But Knockout had no intention of changing his orders; next time it could be serious. Besides, it still needed to reprogram it’s processor for a new environment and that took some time with older drone models.

He did not really want to stay in the room, especially not with Breakdown’s loud processor giving him problems falling into recharge. But better loud buzzing than an annoying drone constantly waking him. His berth was big enough for both and he was small, so when he laid on the other side there was no threat that he would accidentally kick Breakdown.

Knockout took his heating blanket from the couch and laid as far as possible away, only to find himself cuddled to Breakdown’s side in the morning.  


* * *

“Thinking about it, I’ve never been to your place Knockout.” Well, it wasn’t like Knockout had ever been to Smokescreen’s place before either. Not that he cared about where that idiot lives.

He placed the bags full of goods they had bought on the table next to the bar and continued his tour around Knockout’s apartment, sticking his face everywhere he wasn’t welcome. He really appreciated them doing his shopping for him but he did not understand why Bumblebee had to bring Smokescreen along with him.

“I hope we got everything you asked for Knockout. Arcee says she’s sorry for not being able to help this time. She and Strongarm are currently really busy.” His expression said everything about the nature of being “really busy”

“Oh really,” He smirked, nothing made him happier these days than gossip. It kind of made him miss Starscream. Oh Primus, terrible old Starscream. Thinking about him made his chest ache a little. It was just a long list of embarrassing situations and trust issues, mostly from Starscream’s side.

           However, after having such a terrible history with the wrong people, Knockout wasn’t surprised by Starscream’s behavior. He had tried to help, he really did. But there was a point where he just could not continue.

“Where’s your zombie friend?” Smokescreen asked suddenly. Knockout shot a toxic glare at him.

“Oh woah, woah, I’m sorry, I was just curious! All Bulkhead’s vehicons are asking about him.” He rose his hands into a defensive position but Knockout was already irritated.

           “Well that’s just another reason to not tell you a thing… you should go. Thank you for shopping,” He hissed. Stupid vehicons, can’t they just give it a rest?

           “Knockout, I think Smokescreen only wants to help. I mean, we all want to help you, even the vehicons.” Oh great, now Bumblebee was against him too.

           “Well, me and my “zombie” do not need ANY HELP from the drones or from you,” He barked, his hands shaking. Why was everyone pushing him? He just wanted to be alone with Breakdown. He just wanted to get him out of this mess, to start again. He wanted to show them he could do this. Instead, everyone was pointing at him. And these vehicons, these stupid vehicons just want to see him struggle.

           “Knockout, they just want to help. We all just want to help you.” Oh Primus, and just when he thought Bumblebee was not the type to stick his face into everything.

           “No! Just, just shut up ok?” He took two steps away. The med bot hovers in right on time, alarming Knockout that it’s time for Breakdown’s afternoon energon.

“You should go, I have a bot to take care of. Thank you for shopping,” He said, hands still shaking.

           “Knockout, you really need help. Just let us-“

           “Tell Arcee to not send you with my groceries next time.” He ends the debate as he pushes Bee and Smokescreen out of his apartment.

* * *

_“So, what do you think? I think we can finally quit with the surgeries here, you look exactly how we planned,” Knockout asked, watching Breakdown look at himself in the mirror. He was puffing his new chest plate and making all kinds of hilarious poses, almost knocking down the mirror and himself._

_He turned to him, face shining in happiness. “I love it! I love it so, so much Knockout! Look at how strong I am!” He demonstrated a silly pose and almost fell on his right side._

_“Just be careful, your body is still not used to the extra weight. Don’t scratch anything!” He frowned as he watched Breakdown hopping over to him clumsily. He tried to cup him into a hug but the extra inches in his bust almost hit him._

_“Breakdown! Watch the finish!” He jerked away._

_“Ugh I’m sorry.” He calmed down a bit but his hands were still shaking in excitement._

_Knockout smiled, petting the massive bust and taking a hold of his cleavage, pulling him closer to tickle him under his chin guard. That calmed Breakdown completely; oh Primus, a few touches in the right places and he was all his. He enjoyed this so much._

_“You should perhaps take some time to rest, my friend. I will need your full assistance as soon as possible. We never have our medical berths empty for long and you know it.” Knockout allowed him to gently embrace him. At first he had thought the reconstruction of his frame into this size was kind of unnecessary and that it would look silly, but he had to admit, Breakdown looked much better. Nothing better than making your own customized friend with benefits._

_“Guess you’re right, my chest is aching.” Knockout felt how Breakdown pet his back with his huge, strong arm. He was worried at first about him being so clumsy, but the opposite was true. It took Breakdown only few times to become really skilled with a buffer. Natural talent will not deny. He learned all the medical tools in a really short time and soon was able to treat patients with minor injuries all by himself._

_“I would still like you to recharge in the med bay, in case of complications.” It wasn’t really necessary to say this since Breakdown already spent most of his time here when they had patients who required continuous supervision. He took all the work he got really seriously. Knockout really needed an assistant like this._

_“I can buff you while sitting in the berth. Uh, if you want.”_

_Yes, just like that. Exactly the assistant Knockout needed._

* * *

“Well wasn’t that fun? Watching movies from the couch is much more comfortable than from that wheelchair, isn’t it?” He stretched out as they finished watching some romantic scrap with lots of dancing. He leaned against Breakdown, playing with his datapad connected to screen. It was much easier with the new equipment then the old one in the med bay.

“Wanna watch more?” He asked, pulling up the heating blanket that was slipping from Breakdown’s knees. He gently rubbed his thighs as he stuck the pad under his arm. He took a mug with half-finished energeon from the little table and gently pushed the straw into his mouth. Breakdown’s eyes were dim and emotionless but after some time he started sucking.

“No? I knew it. Well, we can listen to some terrible music you like. Orrrr to be fair we can listen to something I like for once.” He set up the music with his other hand before focusing his full attention to getting energon into Breakdown.

At first it had been weird to use Ratchet’s cup to feed Breakdown, but now he felt a little accomplishment by using it. Yes! He’d gotten over it! He could use his stuff without feeling the need to angrily smash it around! He was able to exist as a single, independent bot with no regrets! Well, except that he did not. There wasn’t a single night he did not think about it all while watching Breakdown’s sleeping face. He hated everyone so much. Ratchet, Smokescreen, Bumblebee, Ambulon, MECH, Arachnid, Breakdown and he hated himself even more. Fortunately, for Breakdown’s and mostly his own sake, he was able to push these emotions inside.

“That’s all?” He asked, checking the cup when Breakdown stopped drinking.

“Well, I will gladly finish it for you.” He wiped Breakdown’s face and sucked on the straw. It was too sweet for him, just how Breakdown liked it, but he did not mind. Sometimes it’s nice to sweeten your bitter life. Next time Strongarm offered to make a shopping trip for them, he needed to tell her to buy a different brand.

“Ah, remember this song? You once tried to make me dance to it and when I finally agreed Starscream came in for an inspection. It was an embarrassing moment for all of us.” He gave Breakdown a saucy look and started brushing his shoulder.

“No? I knew you wouldn’t. You don’t remember our friendship anniversary either.” He frowned and leaned against the couch, irritated. He knew this game of “everything is fine” would soon stop entertaining him and he would only fall deeper into self-guilt.

“Maybe I should take you to berth. I would like to nap a bit too.” He was sleeping a lot these days. Or at least he tried to sleep, but it was no use with a processor full of terrible thoughts.

He stood up and gently pushed Breakdown up too, standing there, holding his huge palm in his little one. He gently brushed it as the song continued. Reaching for the other hand.

“Maybe you still remember this. Don’t you?” He took a few steps. One, two, three, one, two, three... pulling his hand up and awkwardly turning around Breakdown’s hand. And One, two, three, one, two, three…

“I’ve never had such a horrible dancing partner my dear,” He laughed, although his laughter faded when Breakdown did not move an inch. He felt like his spark was being strangled.  

“I am such an idiot,” He hiccupped, leaning his forehead against Breakdown’s bust. When he received no gentle hug or pat form his partner, he embraced Breakdown instead.

* * *

He liked being home and having his privacy, however it did feel lonely.  He could always spend time with the never ending monologues to Breakdown, but without getting any reply back it wasn’t really an effective way to socialize. It had been two months since he left the medbay, and he was happy to get out of there but everything felt much emptier now without Ambulon or the patients in the background. The only little visits he received were from Arcee and Strongarm. Unfortunately every time the doors closed behind them he felt lonely once again.

He knew he had been sending most of the potential help away and he had to face the consequences of that but they felt too heavy for an extrovert.

Knockout tried to fill all of his time with lying in the berth, taking care of his place and Breakdown. His brute partner had never really cared about being shiny. He was always clean, of course, Knockout would never have allowed him to touch him while being dirty with mud and as a nurse he had realized how important it was to stay clean and sterile.

Knockout spent plenty of time getting him into perfect shape. Cleaning and polishing. His bust still smelled terribly when opened but fortunately for Knockout’s sensitive smell sensors, this problem was slowly getting better. The old Breakdown wouldn’t be able to recognize this shiny self.

Oil baths were the only thing that could calm him for at least a little while. At first he had been worried to give Breakdown one; he’d been sure it would require lots of support and attention. But after installing some handles and a little support construction it was much easier to get Breakdown there without any finish damage. It made Breakdown’s body warm, not overheated, but pleasantly warm and it covered all the smell he had to face while cleaning his spark.

He was glad he had gotten a bathtub this big; baths were something he used to love and pamper himself with one almost every evening. Now it was becoming quite a habit. He did not need them anymore but he liked to believe they helped Breakdown.

* * *

He used to treat Breakdown’s old wounds even before he “magically” came back into his life. He always remembered these moments as something nice and intimate. They barely used to talk when it was just them, in a dim room, silence cut only by the occasional sounds of distress if Breakdown had some fresh wounds.

Knockout was worried that now there would be nothing but awkward silence and guilt eating at him during these moments he used to enjoy.

However his worries became only partially true. Yes, the guilt and anxiety squeezed his spark every time he found an injury caused by his experiments. But most of the time, the silence that filled the room wasn’t uncomfortable like the one they shared while watching movies. No, this was nice, almost natural. He mostly focused on old injuries to treat and cover with healing gels before moving on to the new ones. From an old uncomfortable back injury to his right arm that was giving Breakdown trouble during rainy days. It had been caused by Bulkhead during one of their fights and he remembered Breakdown being extremely cranky during the whole recovery. He always got mad when he wasn’t able to transform his hammer any time he wanted.

As Knockout remembered, it was mostly Breakdown’s fault to start with. He was so into provoking Bulkhead about his human pet, he did not notice the rock behind him and after a really ugly fall, it wasn’t hard to smash him. He was always getting himself into trouble, his stupid temper; it was the reason Airachnid had been able to kill him in the first place. Well, almost.

“We should get you a new back tire,” He sighed as he gently caressed the one on his shoulder. Breakdown could live without the spare tire just fine, but the empty space on his back seemed unsettling.

“Well, maybe we could go shopping soon?”

* * *

He was still very unsure about taking Breakdown outside but soon it became necessary. Not only did he really want to get a new wheel for him, he also needed to buy groceries. Arcee and Strongarm were always buying it for him and even with being extremely precise and always getting everything right, he longed to go and pick everything himself.

          Aside from the few times Strongarm offered to look after Breakdown, he did not get to go out. He always left them alone for no more than an hour anyway; usually just to take a trip to the med bay for new medicine or to go on a simple walk. And he wasn’t even able to enjoy the time to himself; alone time just gave him time to think and he hated to think. As soon as he felt Breakdown was able to walk more than fifteen steps he made his decision.

“Maybe I could take you to some nice places you used to like too, after some shopping of course,” He said as he fitted a small backpack on Breakdown’s back. He had made a little list of things they needed, it was something that Ratchet had taught him to do and he felt disgust towards it but he really did not want to risk forgetting anything.

          Once the doors of his apartment were locked, he gently took a hold Breakdown’s hand and led him along. Breakdown followed him with a limp but there was nothing Knockout could do about it. It would get better when Breakdown learned how to use cane... if he learned.

Fortunately the street was relatively empty. He noticed a few familiar neighbors, but they did not know him enough to stop by and chat.

Walking slowly irritated him and it took lot of self-control to get used to it. It would have been much faster to go on wheels, but with Breakdown’s t-cog being completely burned out, it wasn’t possible.

“Well here we are,” He announced as he helped Breakdown into the tiny shop to buy some energon. It was the closest one, only a block away. The bot behind the register glanced at them for a few seconds before turning back to their datapad, likely playing games.

“Be careful Breakdown,” He cautioned as he noticed Breakdown’s massive shoulders could easily break something. Not that he would take his warnings close to spark.

The shelves were filled with an array of different types of energon and although he really wanted to buy ones he knew Breakdown loved the most, he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to chew them properly in his current state. He did however take some candy, mostly the type that was easy to chew. It was supposed to be for Breakdown, but Knockout knew he would most likely be the one who would eat them. Well, he deserved it.

He was holding Breakdown’s palm tightly, letting it go only when he needed to reach something high on the shelves. He could deal with Breakdown leaning against him while at home, but he felt anxious letting him do so in public. His finish wasn’t perfect and he really tried to make it at least socially acceptable before they left. He did not want more scratches to litter his frame, even tiny ones. Well, he had to trust Breakdown not to fall.

“Hey, what are you two doing there?” Knockout almost dropped the basket and energon he was reaching for when the cashier barked at them. It was too late to notice Breakdown leaning against the shelves and knocking into the whole thing with the weight of his body.

“Be careful, you are acting like a fragging bulldozer!” He screeched. Fortunately, nothing had broken and even though he tried to calm himself his anger was visible.

Knockout was silent, holding onto Breakdown’s palm. “What’s wrong with you?” The cashier turned directly to the blue bruiser now, probably waiting for him to help pick the cans up off the floor. Knockout fell nervousness embracing him, this was so embarrassing. Oh primus he needed to get out.

“We’re ready to pay,” He announced, voice more high pitched than he wanted.

           The cashier calmed down while ringing up all his goods, however, he kept staring at Breakdown. He should be glad it hadn’t ended up worse. The cashier probably did not want to start any problems with customers, but had still thrown a little fit. Maybe he was having a bad night or was suffering from ESF-extreme sexual frustration, as Knockout loved to call it. But even after an apology, Knockout still felt anxiety sticking to his body like a leach. .

           He would never go shopping there again. Well, maybe he would if he had a case of hi-grade emergency, since it was the closest shop. It was a stupid shop, with a stupid cashier and Breakdown… oh he was so mad at Breakdown.

Fortunately after he packed everything into the little backpack on his back and made it to another shop for a spare tire he calmed down.

The shop assistant was quite annoying, but at least she was chatty. Knockout needed that kind of distraction and as soon as Breakdown had his new spare wheel on back he felt much better. He looked whole now.

“Don’t think I’m not still mad about the shop accident, but that good looking brand new wheel of yours that _I picked_ is making my anger slowly fade,” He vented and rubbed his joints. He allowed Breakdown to lean against him a bit, fighting the anxiety it was causing.

He would never have thought of trying to find places that Breakdown had liked to go, but as he remembered, one of them wasn’t far away and he believed they could handle the distance. He did not really remember where Breakdown lived back on Cybertron; he had an idea of an approximate location of the place, but wouldn’t be able to find it even if his finish depended on it. Well ok, probably would be able to find it if his _finish_ depended on it, but now they were heading to this little place where Breakdown used to drink with friends.

_“One day I will take you there! They have the best rust cakes around!”_ Breakdown used to say. Knockout knew the place from his young student years, but never went inside. It still made finding it much easier.

“Well, seems like I am the one taking you there after all. If that place still exists somehow.” To be honest, he expected at least half a destroyed building. But what they found could hardly be described as buildings. Only ashes and ruins.

“Fine, I can’t say I did not expect this. Look, do you recognize that rock over there? Or that piece of scrap you are standing on, huh?” He nudged Breakdown gently, laughing at his own joke, throat tight but his laughs slowly faded after “surprisingly” getting no response.

The place was a mess, but construction of nearby buildings were visibly in progress. There would soon be a nice pub or hopefully a cinema sometime soon.

“What a shame,” His voice clicked after he got over the embarrassing laughing moment. Fortunately there were no other witnesses and Breakdown seemed to hardly mind a little sarcastic laughter. “You know, you planned to take me to plenty of places. No way I am going to take you to these today. But who knows, maybe we can take a little vacation to Acid wastes eventually.” He rubbed Breakdown’s massive palm. “You planned on going there as part of our Conjux ceremony, actually. To be honest, I planned to run if it got to that but… well… looks like you will get this vacation someday after all. If that could help you at least a little…”

He paused, squeezing and rubbing his hand. “Actually, there is one unchanged place that could help you.”

* * *

He decided a little regular checkup was in order before visiting Earth. Even if it meant meeting with that traitor Ambulon.

           At first he had thought about trying to travel there behind everyone’s back; he had a lot of practice sneaking through the Ground Bridge behind Starscream’s back for fun. But the Space Bridge was more guarded and he didn’t have Breakdown to cover his back now. No, Breakdown would go with him this time and Knockout would hate to run into trouble with his patient next to him.

           Fortunately Ambulon seemed to not want to discuss anything with Knockout, aside from helping him with getting all scans on Breakdown done. For a while it seemed like he would maybe say something, but decided to stay silent.

           “Well, it’s better than last time. Much better, actually.” Knockout sighted, datapad full of results in one hand and the other one busy stroking Breakdown’s helm. His body was slowly repairing, that was good. Unfortunately, his mind still was not.

           It was uncomfortable seeing him sitting back in the medbay again, but what was even more uncomfortable was absolutely no mental progress compared to when they left the place months ago. He even had the feeling Breakdown was taking a step back and his reactions to his environment were worse than before. Well, at least he could take steps now.

           “I think you should be able to travel through the Space Bridge just fine.” He unplugged Breakdown from the scanners and helped him on his feet. He noticed Ambulon checking the expiration date on the medicine a few meters away. Or at least, he was pretending to check it; Knockout noticed him watching them.

           Not like he really cared. He gently pulled Breakdown across the room and left.

           With that done, now he only had to get approval from… to be honest, he did not really know whom he should get approval from. He’d visited Earth a few times before, but usually went there with Bulkhead and the miners as a support medic. He did not need to ask for special approval for that, they took care of all the paperwork for him. The only reason he had ever even wanted to go to Earth anyway was to get new music and movies, which he always managed to acquire during those missions.

           “Oh wow aren’t we just lucky,” He snapped, falling silent when he noticed two figures slowly limping toward them.

           Actually, meeting Magnus was exactly what he needed right now, even though it wasn’t a pleasant thing to do. However, the presence of Wheeljack next to him seemed strange. Well, until he noticed Magnus had his arm fixed tightly to his chest with a brace and his frame was full of scratches. Also the apologetic expression on Wheeljack face told him a lot. Well, it was more irritated than apologetic. Knockout bet everything that Wheeljack had hit Magnus with his ship or something like that.

           It was too late to turn and run away; well maybe he would’ve been able to run just fine, but he could not really imagine himself pulling Breakdown along with him.

           It was awkward, but still a nice chance to get approval. Better to ask in the corridor than in Magnus’ office. No, that was where Magnus thrived; he would have a great advantage in his office.

           Knockout stopped, wrapping hand around Breakdown to stop him too. Magnus did not seem like he would want to talk, but Wheeljack was interested. Him and Wheeljack weren’t exactly what one would call friends, but they’d occasionally had a few drinks together before. They’d even almost shared some physical moments after consuming copious amounts of hi-grade together. Almost. Or maybe they did? Knockout could not remember.

           “Hey Doc-Knock, long time no see and uh… uhm…you…” Wheeljack looked at Breakdown, clearly unsure of what to say. Knockout knew they had a past together, but it was mostly just connected by Bulkhead. Nothing too personal but still, he suspected that Wheeljack would not be comfortable around Breakdown.

           “No need, he can’t understand you.” Knockout tried to smile, though it was forced. “And actually, that’s why I wanted to have a word with you, Ultra Magnus.” He turned his gaze up to the commanding bot. Oh Primus why did he have to be so gigantic. Knockout had a thing for tall bots sure, but in this case the height difference was imposing and making him more nervous than it should.

           Magnus turned his attention to Knockout but said nothing, apparently not really wanting to have any conversation right now. He pressed on anyway.

           “You see, my friend has this little memory problem and I, as his  **_doctor_ ** , suggested a visit of occupation that could likely help him gain a few memories back.” It was so hard to keep his fake smile in place; fortunately he’d had lots of practice with Starscream.

           “Actually, your official position is listed as caretaker.” Magnus replied without a blink, Knockout felt his throat being squeezed by anxiety. Why was it  _ so important _ to correct his terminology right now?

           “Well, I am still a doctor you know; I still have papers for that.” Fake papers, but calm down, calm down. His vocalizer clicked. “I just, I think it would be in the patient’s best interest to get approval for a visit to Earth. I would accompany him as a medical companion, of course.” One more smile and he would hopefully hook him on that.

           Magnus just stared at him for a while. “You will need approval from the CMO about this first. I will be available in my office during regular hours, so once you acquire official approval we can take care of the other necessary paperwork.” Well, slapping his face with a metal chair would hurt less. What did Ratchet have to do with this? He’s Breakdown’s doctor; he knows what’s best for him! Why did that old piece of scrap need to have his hands in everything?

           “Hey, I can accompany Knockout there. I bet Ratchet won’t have any problem signing off on some dumb approval. We can even bring him a drink as a nice little bribe, what do you think, Red?” What the scrap was Wheeljack trying to do?! Destroy Knockout completely?

           He wanted to bark something rude at him when noticed Magnus horrified expression. Wheeljack was just chuckling and before Knockout could say anything Magnus shook his head and his stoic expression returned.

           “Well, I do need to see Ratchet later today anyway, I think it would be more sensible to handle the paperwork myself and ask him about your patient. I wouldn’t trust certain individuals when it comes to one’s health.” He frowned at Wheeljack, probably trying to come up with a way to make Knockout go through even more paperwork, but he could not seem to find any.

           “But first, Wheeljack and I have some paperwork of our own to complete after a talk with Ambulon. About using explosives around inhabited places, incidentally, too close to my office.” Oh, that was Knockout’s second guess after Magnus getting hit by his ship-

           “I will let you know where we can meet tomorrow morning.” Well that was easier than Knockout thought, except the Ratchet thing. He didn’t need to meet with him now, but there was still a huge chance Ratchet wouldn’t agree with their Earth visit.

           “Now, I apologize, but I have some work to do. It was pleasure to see you.” That was a lie and Knockout knew it. Magnus shook Knockout’s hand, using the wrong palm; however that could be excused in this case.

           ”Hey Mags! I’ll catch up to you in a bit; just need to have a little talk with the doc.” Magnus clearly wanted to snap something, but Wheeljack continued. “I bet he would welcome some help taking Breakdown down these stairs.” Well there was an elevator and platform for bots on wheels. Magnus seemed to realize that, but he was probably too tired and just let it slide with the rest of Wheeljack’s bullshit for today.

           “I expect you to be there promptly in fifteen minutes. I need to meet with Ambulon first anyway.” He frowned before turning and leaving them alone.

           Well that was… unexpected and unnecessary. Magnus left and they were standing there, in complete silence for maybe a whole minute. Until Breakdown leaned into him, letting Knockout know that he could not stand anymore. Great, now he’d have to wait for brute to gain some strength back. 

           He helped him to sit on nearby bench, settling next to him before shooting a look to Wheeljack.

          “Well… that was… thank you, I guess? I’m not sure if I appreciate not needing to talk to that old idiot or if I should be worried about what he might say to Magnus.”

           “I don’t think you should worry, the doc knows what he’s doing. I think the whole situation will be easier on both of you now.” He came a bit closer, though he still kept some distance.

           Knockout paused in thought, stroking Breakdown’s back as he noticed his processor was too loud once again. He had enough of walking these two days; they really should have a little break before going to Earth, if they even get there.

           “How do you know about… about me and Ratchet anyway?” He continued petting Breakdown but turned his attention towards Wheeljack.

        “Ratchet told me. Also Bulkhead told me about him being back.” He nodded to Breakdown. “I have to admit, I didn’t want to believe him at first, but he’s too good to lie.” Knockout could not read his expression, but it wasn’t really welcoming.

           “Well, he is not “too good” to gossip about me and Breakdown behind my back.”

           “Hey, hey, easy there. We are sleeping together y’know, of course I asked when I saw somethin’ was off with him. I’m not too happy about having someone who hurt him around, but it’s good I at least know about it now.” Every time the conversation turns to Bulkhead, Wheeljack becomes pointlessly overprotective.

           “Why did you help me then? If you feel like Breakdown could “jeopardize” your relationship.” He couldn’t help but smirk a little when saying something so absurd.

           “Woah there pretty-bot, I never said that. I’m just saying this whole thing made Bulkhead upset and I don’t like that. Also, me and you got on pretty well, didn’t we? I just thought getting my drinking buddy out of trouble would be a good idea, but you’re acting like you’ve got a huge stick up your valv-“

           “OK, OK, I did not mean to hurt your precious feelings. I am glad you helped me. Magnus is only fun at a distance, when you’ve got enough space to appreciate those hips.” He relaxed when Wheeljack laughed and let Breakdown lean against him more. He had to be exhausted. Well, he was exhausted all the time but it was getting close to his rest time.

           “Well I have to agree with you on that one, doc. But I always get turned off when I imagine him reading the autobot oath as foreplay.”

           “What, does he actually do that?” He raised his eyebrows, petting Breakdown; he was getting comfortable with this conversation. Oh Primus, he’d needed someone like Wheeljack to talk with for so long.

           “Well… I bet he does!” They kept talking for a while, mostly just gossiping about Magnus and completely lost track of time.

           “Ugh…” Breakdown whined, his eyes half closed and his body even more heavy. He should be getting his medicine too, scrap.

           “I think I should get going, being late fifteen minutes is fine, but I shouldn’t risk more. Guess I do feel a little sorry for accidentally blowin’ off a bomb in Mag’s face.” Wheeljack gave Knockout an apologetic look.

           Knockout was cursing Breakdown and his sleeping schedule while trying to help him back on his pedes.

           “You need some help with him?” Wheeljack gave Breakdown a measured look, seeming unsure about even touching him. That made Knockout even more irritated, all the nice feelings from their conversation was gone.

           “I think I can manage it alone.” He was still glad for the small talk, however this unsettling feeling stayed anchored in his spark.  
  
“Hey shiny, I mean it.” Knockout wanted to protest but Wheeljack was already at Breakdown’s side, carefully grabbing him around waist.  
  
“Just because me and your big buddy didn’t get along, doesn’t mean I’m going to let my drinking pal scratch himself up.”  
  
“Well, honestly I think my finish is already in a sorry state.” He mumbled back, still irritated.  
  
“Wow I can’t believe I’m hearin’ this, but it’s true that it-”  
  
“Still looks way better than you and your attitude!” Knockout pounced, and after a short while they both got Breakdown to the elevator.   
  
“I should go. Magnus will make me eat my own aft if I’m any later.” Knockout did not doubt that. Wheeljack gently pet his shoulder plate. It left a pleasant warmth in Knockout´s spark.

           “If you ever need help with anything, just ping me. I probably won't have the time or energy, buSt hey you still can try.” Wow, how generous.

           They parted ways, leaving Knockout with an awkward, yet still oddly pleasant and hopeful feeling in his spark. Tomorrow could be a better day, tomorrow could be a better day on Earth.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of this year and the first chapter of the next year! (depends of where you live) Again, thanks to my beta readers [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com) and [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com) but also to [Trinuska](http://archiveofourown.org/users/trinuska)! You all are really sweet <3
> 
> I hope you to enjoy <3

           Meeting with Magnus the next morning was one of the most stressful things Knockout had to deal with since Silas was walking around the Nemesis in Breakdown’s body. But once he saw the papers that held Ratchet’s approval, he enjoyed a brief moment of relief and happiness before the meeting turned into the most boring thing he’d had to endure since that one night he had to listen to Bulkhead talk about his human brat.

           However much he did not want to admit it, Ratchet could be reasonable with patients. It made his spark ache; even though he would love to be mad at Ratchet for being selfish, old, and self-centered (he still was, this changed nothing) he was glad to be able to take Breakdown to Earth.

           Well, he almost gave up after seeing all the paperwork Magnus prepared for him. After two hours of signing documents and having his hand get sore from all the writing, he had to listen to another two hours of safety rules. He was probably supposed to listen to more, but Magnus got all sleepy after taking his medicine for his injured arm.

* * *

           “I really hope you appreciate everything I had to do for you. It was terrible!” He complained to Breakdown when he got home, the large mech seated comfortably on the couch with Strongarm next to him.

           “Sir, I believe Ultra Magnus knows what he is doing. Visiting an alien planet is a serious thing.” Strongarm frowned, turning the volume down on the movie she and Breakdown had been watching.

           “Well, I used to be Megatron´s CMO on Earth long before Magnus even knew about it!” Fine, that was a lie and Magnus had of course known about the pointless, yet still somehow attractive, planet before him. But it was at least true that Ultra Magnus had spent less time than Knockout there.

           He watched Strongarm frown a little more; all the autobots got a bit nervous when Knockout mentioned his Nemesis days. They acted like those dumb human children. All stressed and scared.

           “Well of course I was traveling around there long before I joined Megatron. It wasn’t only missions for me, I know quite a lot about human culture.” He puffed his chest proudly, that seemed to calm Strongarm a bit.

           “You and Breakdown?” She turned to the bruiser as she asked, making sure he was all covered and comfortable.

           “Well, yes, we were travelers. Doing whatever we wanted, taking the jobs we wanted. It was quite fun. Breakdown really loved that life, that’s why I want to take him back there.” His voice clicked as he watched her being so gentle with Breakdown.

           “How was he before? I mean, what was Breakdown like? We spend a lot of time together and I feel like I know nothing about him.” Well that was an unexpected question and Knockout wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about something that could make him emotional. After all, meeting with Magnus had left him emotionally drained.

           “I would like to say you will find out one day but…” He paused, not really wanting to think about Breakdown never going back to his old self.

           “He liked to smash stuff.” Yeah, that was definitely what Breakdown liked the most.

           “Smash stuff?”

           “Yeah, stuff like autobots.” Knockout smirked when Strongarm shifted uncomfortably away from Breakdown.

           “Oh, come now my dear, like your future isn’t going to involve smashing criminals on a daily basis.”

           “But sir that’s not…” She trailed off, the autobot logic showing on her face as she processes new information.

           “He liked to joke a lot.” He added after feeling like he got enough amusement from her confusion. Well, he mostly liked to joke about smashing autobots but Knockout decided to skip that part. That seemed to satisfy her enough to lean against Breakdown´s massive shoulder with hers again.

* * *

           He decided to go to Earth a week after getting the approval. He packed all the medicine and enough energon for two days. With a massive bot like Breakdown, you never know what could happen.

           He was realizing how unnecessary it was getting the back wheel for Breakdown again. Yes, he looked better with it; whole again, but it was kind of pointless because he would never be able to transform again. And now it was only giving him troubles while trying to get the backpack carrying the energon on his back.

           He decided to take the wheelchair with them; Breakdown could manage short distances just fine, but he would most likely be exhausted later.

           The space bridge port was calm that day. He had decided to go during the human weekend, knowing the ugly squishy organics usually have those days off, so both sides of the space bridge were occupied by only a few workers.

           It was a weird sensation; the first second they crossed the bridge he could feel the different atmosphere on his plate, the slightly different gravitation and thickness of the environment. Things unique to every planet.

           Breakdown took the crossing like it was nothing. Space bridges were on a really advanced level, not like a few millions of years ago when old models could make one sick for hours. However, a new model or not, it could still cause dizziness, especially to bots with health problems.

           The Earth side of the bridge was almost empty except a dozen human soldiers and two cybertronians. One of them checked their identity and told them to wait for someone in charge of the Ground Bridge.

           He parked the oversized wheelchair in the corner. He was not taking it to the place, but it might come in handy when they got back.

           “Knockout?” He tensed when he heard that voice. Oh just great, that goddamn human kid.

           “Hello Miko, what are you doing here? I thought playtime was over for you brats.”

           “I’m Jack.” Well, whatever, they all look the same. He´s always had trouble telling them apart. “And I work here. I mean, only as an intern but eh. I am an official part of the team.” He threw him an irritated glare. Only now did Knockout notice his military uniform, similar to the one adult humans were wearing.

           “Agent Fowler recommended me to the military university and helped me get this practicing internship here because I was h-“

           “Blah, blah, whatever. Just get me someone in charge, I have a location to get to and I need to use the ground bridge.”

           “I will take you there, that is why I… W-wait, what is he doing here?!” He pointed at Breakdown. Oh right, he didn’t know.

           “My friend and I are here for a vacation.” He pet Breakdown’s massive shoulder. “You know, even medical staff deserve one from time to time.”

           “Well your papers say you’re here to help your patient with his recovery.” He looked from Knockout to Breakdown, probably noticing his posture and dim face expression.

           “Well! I am sick from my underappreciated profession!” He puffed his chest plate and wrapped arm around Breakdown´s waist to support him. Now they looked more like a couple than doctor and patient. Well, at least Knockout hoped. He did not really feel like talking about what happened to Breakdown.          

           Jack eyed him once again before turning to lead him to the Ground Bridge.

           “We will need the exact location and I would suggest you to cross the bridge in alt mode. You know, in case there’s humans.”

           Knockout pressed his lip plates together. And how was Breakdown supposed to do that? “Well that might be a problem. My friend over here cannot transform.”

           Jack looked at Breakdown, studying his posture, probably putting two and two together, dumb human. “Oh, oh right, I-I think… I think I will ask someone.”

           Jack disappeared for a few minutes, coming back with two adults in uniforms, one of them asked Knockout for the location. He had to check his GPS history for that but fortunately, the place coordinates were still in his memory.

           The uniformed soldiers were first to enter the Ground Bridge, and after coming back, confirmed that there were no humans and that they had successfully placed sensors to track any possible locals approaching the place.

           Knockout was glad, whatever their past relationship was, that this place was only for him and Breakdown. Him and his “best friend.”

           After the Ground Bridge closed behind them, he felt a wave of nostalgia hit his body.

           This place had so many memories. It was a small lake in the middle of nowhere, hidden between trees. From what Knockout understood people did not like to come here because of some urban legend about piranha fish in the lake; apparently they were something like human scraplets. But according to information on the Internet, the piranha thing wasn't true and this species does not occupy this part of the planet. Well, nevertheless it still kept humans away from the place.

           He gently pushed Breakdown closer to the lake, taking off his backpack and helping him lie down on the grass. Breakdown usually just got into the water, trying to step on the fish there. They weren't the species human were scared of, but Knockout still found them extremely disgusting. Huge grotesque eyes, slippery skin, weird movements…  No, no one would force him to go into the water with those disgusting creatures there.

           _“I love the sound they make under my feet_!” Was Breakdown´s reply whenever Knockout asked why he liked to step on them so much. _“Also, if you think they are so ugly I am only doing you a favor, maybe if I kill them all you will finally come into the water with me.”_

Well, he wouldn't come into the water with him even with all the fish and frogs dead. However clear it seemed, Knockout knew the water was dirty. Besides, Breakdown mostly ended up slipping on rocks than actually killing them.

           “I have to admit, I quite liked this side of you. This… this brutal strength. It was attractive. Don’t get me wrong, I liked your gentle side even more, but there was something fascinating about watching you try to kill everything smaller than you. ” Knockout admitted, tearing soft grass and throwing it into Breakdown´s cleavage. “You liked grass so much, and mud and the sun. If you could talk now you would for sure go on about how much you enjoy sunny days like this.”

           At least it wasn't completely silent. There were the sounds of the lake, of the insects and tiny creatures hidden in the water, now safe from Breakdown´s massive weight.

           After a short hesitation, Knockout took a handful of mud and splashed it on Breakdown´s forearm. Well, now he looked more natural, at least a little. However, Knockout would not tolerate having him dirty for long. But only for the sake of the good old times.

           When his HUD alarmed him about Breakdown´s feeding time, he helped him lean his back against the nearest tree. After Breakdown´s “tragic death” he´d never thought they would have a picnic here ever again. But life gives you unexpected surprises, doesn’t it?

           When finished, he placed the empty energon cube to the side and dared to lean against Breakdown, half closing his optics while squeezing his hand. _´Half an hour after food and then we can go into the water._ ´ That´s what Breakdown used to say after seeing it in a movie. Well it wasn't necessary for their species, but Knockout wanted to keep things as accurate to their past “dates” as possible.

           He even dozed off for a while. Feeling so peaceful, the Earth sun warming up his plates. He remembered how warm Breakdown got after staying in the sun for so long. It was the same as when he got an oil bath. He got warm and was nice to touch. Knockout was venting heavily, only listening to the disgusting Earth nature and Breakdown´s loud processor.

           “I hope you like it here, I hope you remember something. At least a little thing.” He did not expect any magical spell to fall over Breakdown and recover him completely, but he still hoped to get at least a little hand squeeze out of his palm.

           “Well that´s it, water time.” He stood up, helping a whining Breakdown to his pedes.

           “Oh hush my dear.” He gave him an irritated grimace before remembering it was time for Breakdown´s painkillers. Primus bless that dumb diagnostic drone, he would completely forget about half of Breakdown´s medication and tasks without the bloody thing.

           Waiting a while after he applied the medicaments, Knockout took Breakdown’s massive palm and lead him to the lake. Fortunately there was a wooden pier, lonely and waiting for fishermen who would never come. Knockout still did not change his mind about not getting into the water under any circumstances.

           He took uncertain steps, making sure the pier wouldn’t break under his feet as he tried to pull Breakdown into the water. The giant took a few steps but while standing on the wood it was way harder to pull him along.

           “Come on Breakdown, let's get you at least halfway into the lake.” He growled a bit nervously as the giant slowly limped next to him. It had to be much harder to move in the water but Knockout did not care.

           It took a while for them to finally get there, but the water was calm and it seemed like the place Breakdown was standing on was steady. Knockout remembered him slipping and falling on his face so many times in this lake. Fortunately, he´d never gotten more than a few scratches and a sore aft. Now however, Knockout worried it would make more damage in Breakdown´s current state.

           Knockout, wasn't sure what to expect; he knew nothing miraculous would happen, but getting nothing but Breakdown staring into water was making him irritated. It was odd to see him just standing and not being excited about it. It was one of his favorite things, getting himself wet.

           “Hey look, a fish! Step on it!” He pointed to the water.

           “Well I am not going to touch it at any costs.” He pressed his lip plates together, still pointing to the water. Standing on this disgusting wood, having the disgusting water and fish all around him was only making him stressed.

           “You know, this is boring maybe we should get back to su-“ He heard the cracking, but the pier had been able to carry him so many times before. Who would think the years and mites would make it this unstable? Knockout couldn’t even finish the sentence before the pier broke under his heavy body and in the next second his mouth was full of water. Disgusting, dirty, Earth water full of fish with huge blind eyes. Could they get into his mouth? That was the only thing he had on mind while trying to get up.

           It took him a solid few seconds but it felt like forever before he managed to find support on the slippery rocks and pull himself up into a half sitting-half standing position. Eyes wide, he felt his plates shaking. He was wet from face to his feet and his finish, oh Primus his finish was ruined from how he had tried to find support on rocks. His vocals were buzzing as his body tried to get water out of his mouth.

           He raised his head, first panicking about Breakdown but he found him standing in the same place, having not moved an inch. Just like the pier before, he felt something snap. Snap inside of him.

           “This is all your fault!” He screamed suddenly. “All your fragging fault! I am trying and what do I get? A mouth full of Earth SCRAP!” He yelled, kicking and waving his arms around. Somewhere inside he wanted to stop the wave of anger but he could not. It had been boiling for too long and Breakdown was just standing there, standing and staring into nowhere.

           “You have never cared about me! I have never liked you and you ignored it! And then you let yourself get killed and now you came back and destroyed me and RATCHET! YOU UGLY, FRAGGIN R-“

           Something slipped under his feet and suddenly he had his mouth full of water again. The water was only up to Breakdown´s waist but that was enough to cover Knockout´s whole body.

           He hit the bottom with his face, feeling rocks tearing his faceplate. Pain paralyzed him, he did not know how long it took for him to get into a sitting position again.

           He embraced himself, body shaking, Breakdown was still standing there. However, now he was staring right at him. Eyes dim and… oh Primus did he always look this sad? This broken?

           Knockout wanted to say something but he managed only a long whine instead. The whine turned into hiccups and cries.

           Pathetic. He failed as a friend, as a lover, as a doctor, and now he was failing as a caretaker as well.

           “I-I am sor-so-sorry.. I am so so so so…” He let his vocalizer click a few times, as it was still full of water. After calming himself a little, he slowly crawled toward Breakdown. He managed to stand up with minimal support and embrace him only to continue hiccupping onto his chest.

           “...Oh dear, what have I done to you,” He whined, pulling Breakdown closer and cupping his face in his palms. He wasn't sure if he was bleeding energon from his face or if it was just water, but the spot he hit hurt a lot. He must have scratched it at least.

           “I am so sorry, Breakdown. I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for all the things I said.” He pressed his forehead to Breakdown´s, examining the fine cracks around his mouth.

           His body was still shaking and he did not even want to think about the scratches he had gotten from falling.

           “Ugh.” He suddenly felt Breakdown leaning more heavily against him. Oh right, this all had to be too debilitating for him.

           Knockout squeezed his hands and led him to the shore, sat shoulder to shoulder in the grass with him. Breakdown thankfully leaned against him.

           He wrapped an arm around his waist, gently stroking his side, He felt so disgusted and dirty but was too tired to call for the Space Bridge now. He couldn't wait to get home though, this had been a terrible idea.

           He watched as his knees continued to shake. How could he let himself explode like that? Breakdown did not understand him, but what if he could?

           He vented heavily, slowly relaxing his grip around Breakdown´s waist. A feeling of calm washed over him and a realization that everything was the worst. He felt embarrassed for himself; for not being able to stay in control, for being so sentimental, for scratching his finish so much.

           The worst thing was, he knew Breakdown would know what to do if their situations were reversed. Breakdown would care about him with love, and Breakdown would give him everything. He liked to put bots into the hospital but he liked to help them out of it as well. Though Knockout had never found out which one he liked more.

           He continued watching the calm lake for some time, and thought about waiting for the sunset. Breakdown had loved sunsets, always talking about how the Acid Wastes had the most beautiful sunsets in the whole Galaxy.

           But Knockout knew it was pointless to wait. Breakdown was getting tired and was in need of medicine and refueling. The sun had dried his plates, but he could still feel the uncomfortable sensation of the disgusting Earth water.

          “I guess we should go,” He vented to himself as he slowly stood up, his right leg shaking from pain. The pain was terrible but he guessed he had only irritated some inner cables in his knee. Nothing serious.

           Oh great, now they were both limping. How was he going to support Breakdown in this condition? Fortunately the Ground Bridge appeared close once he called it. He remembered how every time they were training a new guy on Nemesis, they used to activate the Space Bridge in various places too far from the requested position.

           “Oh wow, what happened?” Jack seemed to be panicking a little when he saw them. Not surprising, considering Knockout was full of scratches and dents.

           “Megatron came and decided to dance the tango with me.” He drawled as he helped Breakdown into the prepared wheelchair and then sat down on the couch himself. It was most likely there for the hard working employees, but he needed it now.

           “W-what?” Jack´s tiny human eyes snapped wide. Oh Primus, he wasn't an expert in human anatomy but how much they could open their eyes before they fell out of their head?

           “No you stupid worm, I slipped on some rocks. Can you by any chance make yourself useful and find me a rotary buffer?” He rolled his optics and opened the backpack with medicine for Breakdown. His spark was burning, having all these people seeing him like this.

           Jack seemed huffy but for his own and Knockout´s sanity´s sake did not snap any commentary back.

           “What´s wrong with him? Is he hurt?” He asked instead. Well, that wasn't any better.

           “No! He’s fine!” He growled, hands shaking as he applied coolant into Breakdown´s neck. What was the point? That stupid human would just keep asking anyway. Or was the one who asks lots of dumb question the shorter one? He could never keep it straight. “His brain cog was damaged,” He admitted, massaging the place where the coolant was injected.

           “Ah…” Jack bit his lower lip. He did not know what kept him talking, maybe it was just a human thing, pushing their tiny noses into other´s business. Or he just felt sorry after seeing Knockout in this state. “So, are you his nurse now?”

           He apparently noticed Knockout´s irritated expression because he did not let Knockout reply. “My mom is a nurse in the local hospital. I know she has lot of experience with patients who went through brain damage. Maybe she could help you? Eh… with whatever you wanted to do on Eart-”

           “How in the pit could that help me? And besides, we’re leaving. My knee needs medical attention.” He wanted to confirm what he said by standing up, but the pain put him back on the couch.

           “Well, we have a few spare rooms for miners and autobot medics. I could ask my mom and you two could chat tomorrow? I-I mean, if you want.” He shrugged his shoulders.

           Knockout considered it. Well, he did not really want to walk all the way back to his apartment dirty and scratched anyway. Besides, Breakdown was already dozing off.

           “Do you have wash racks?”

* * *

           The level of medical care was… surprisingly acceptable. The medic, who introduced herself as Blue Alert- or was it Red Alert? Knockout did not really remember. But he remembered her being pretty professional.

           As he had suspected, his knee was only irritated and the pain should be gone in a few days. He only got some painkillers and a little temporary patch on his face. It was only a scratch but he wanted to be sure everything would heal soon. What a stupid way to hurt himself. He’d survived falls, autobots beating him, and Breakdown´s hammer accidents, but he hurt his knee on stupid rocks.

           Jack promised to get them one of the better rooms. Well, it was sad that they called blank walls, one bed, and a table “better,” but it wasn´t terribly uncomfortable and the wash racks were quite close.

           He tried to buff himself but he only managed to get the job done partially. He felt too exhausted and useless and instead of finishing buffing the parts of his body that were harder to get, he decided to go recharge sooner.

           That night he lay as far from Breakdown as possible. He felt too ashamed about the episode he had that day. He knew he would most likely end up curled next to him anyway, but he preferred falling asleep alone that night.

* * *

           “So, how’s your boyfriend?” Knockout still thought this meeting was pointless, but he could at least get some information about other´s personal life.

           Jack had prepared some kind of a really lame dayroom for them. Miss Darby was sitting before him, on a tiny human chair placed on an oversized table, having her own tiny mug of some human drink. Knockout couldn’t decide if it was cute or disgusting.

           She raised her eyebrows. “Why are you asking? Do you plan to throw us into your car trunk again?”

           He laughed. “Better not, having you fleshlings there was pretty gross.”

           There was a short pause as June sipped from her mug.

           “Jack told me you are caretaking a friend after a head injury.” Oh no, here we go. Knockout frowned and awkwardly crossed his hands.

           “Well, I don’t suppose you’re some expert in Cybertronian biology who could help me and my unfortunate friend.”

           “No, I am not.” She admitted. “But Jack told me you came here to seek help.”

           “I did not come here to seek _help_. Breakdown just liked this place.” He growled but continued, voice lower. “I hoped it might help him if he saw it again.”

           “Wait…Isn't Breakdown the one who tried to smash Miko multiple times? She’s always talking about it.” She looked horrified for a moment, but after seeing Knockout´s eye-roll she continued. “Head injuries are a really complex thing. It takes a lot of time to recover. I am not an expert in Cybertronian anatomy, so if I were you I would ask Ratchet about it-“ Knockout made a disgusted grimace that made June to continue faster. “-for some patients recovery can take months, for some years, and for some progress can never come.”

           That obviously wasn't what Knockout wanted to hear. Even though he already knew this, his expression became even more miserable.

           “Has he made any kind of progress?”

           “Well, yeah. He is walking now and making noises, which is better than being a killing zombie machine, I guess.”

           June looked like she wanted to ask, but decided to let the last sentence go. “Do you write a diary for him?”

           “Diary? Do I look like a human scholar?”

           “I mean, a diary of the progress he has made.”

           “Well, I do write reports.” He was sure his tone gave June a pretty good picture of the “high” quality of his medical reports. That wasn't his fault though, it was Breakdown´s job to do reports and he hadn’t been doing his work properly for years.

           “I mean, a diary about every day progress. Not only the change of meds but everything around.” After she saw Knockout did not intend to ask any unnecessary questions she continued. “Everything from blinking at you to first words.”

           “But he has not been making any progress lately! I’m concerned he’s even taken a few steps back.”

           “Well, with a diary you would be sure.”

           Knockout stayed silent for a long time. Biting his lip plates, thinking. “Weeeell…. I suppose you are right.”

           “I’ve worked with a lot of patients, Knockout. I think the difference in our species is not stopping us from exchanging experiences. Do not doubt nursing staff.”

           “Actually, Breakdown was… is a nurse too… well, I’m not sure if he will ever get back to that.” She seemed genuinely concerned now.

           “Well you never know. I was once taking care of a patient who forgot everything but how to play the piano after he hit his head by slipping in a bathroom. He forgot his wife, the name of his children, but still knew how to play piano. He played Beethoven for the whole hospital during Christmas.”

           “And did he remember the rest later?” He asked, kind of worried about the answer. June was silent for a while, most likely trying to remember the faith of this specific patient. 

   “Well, to be honest, I don't really remember. But I’ve had patients who remembered huge parts of their lives. You know, it’s just how I said before; sometimes they just do not remember again…” Knockout wasn't really satisfied with this answer, but June kept talking about more of her experiences.

 

He did not even know how, but they spent the next two hours talking about such things like feeding patients and exchanging hospital stories.

           He had to admit, it was a nice distraction from what had happened yesterday and he was definitely ready to try this diary thing. However the sentence: “Sometimes they just do not remember again,” stayed stuck in his head.

* * *

           The diary thing did not go well for Knockout. After his return to Cybertron, he spent most of his days taking care of Breakdown and recharging. Exhaustion came to him immediately, the pills for his sore leg he took were only supporting his sleepiness.

           Sure, he started writing every little detail as June Darby said, but after a week of writing the same things over and over he lost all the energy to do so. Putting down the notes he remembered from the progress in medical bay gave him a little enthusiasm, but he did not remember everything and it seemed too distant now.

           At least the trip to Earth has made him realize how pointless this whole situation was.

* * *

           “Maybe you should take a break Knockout.” Just what he needed, another opinion he did not ask for.

           “And who would take care of Breakdown? You Arcee?” He raised his eyebrows. Arcee and her best gal-pal next to her were sitting on the couch. He´d always been happy when they stayed longer after bringing groceries, but lately he did not feel like socializing even with them. Even though deep down he craved social contact.

           “No. But maybe you should ask another doctor for help,” She suggested, but Knockout did not even bother to reply to that. He just turned to Breakdown in his wheelchair and tucked his legs into the heating blanket to prove his point. Some days it was harder to walk for him and Knockout took that as a step back. He resigned and did not try to force him to do something he couldn’t do.

           “Knockout, I mean it. When was the last time you buffed yourself?” She said and pointed to the visible dents on his frame. It hadn’t been great a few weeks ago either, but it was at least visible that he was trying to buff his front lights.

           “Arcee, my dear, I fully realized how pointless that would be. I cannot tell Breakdown to stop leaning onto my frame.” He snapped, irritated.

           “Uh, how was your Earth trip sir?” Strongarm seemed to want to save situation, but Knockout was not happy to hear that question either.

           “Bad. It was… wet.”

           “Rainy weather?” Arcee raised her eyebrows at him, but Knockout did not reply. They sat there in silence for almost a whole minute.

           ”Maybe we should watch a movie.”

* * *

           After they left he fed Breakdown, took some pills for his knee, and went directly to berth. He did not really need the pills anymore. It had only hurt the first four days or so, but he slept better when he took them.

           Before recharge he´d been telling Breakdown about their Earth adventures, but lately he´d just been skipping it. It only made him more upset and it hadn’t brought any positive note to Breakdown´s recovery diary so far. Why bother.

           At least he had somebody to lean on in recharge, even if it wasn't ideal. Even if it was scary and his spark ached every time he just looked at Breakdown. He had been taking care of his injuries a lot before Breakdown´s mission with Dreadwing. But he´d never been the cause of those injuries and that was the worst. The guilt.

           He had to do this. He had to clean him, he had to feed him, he had to be there for him even though he did not want to. He needed to push his selfishness aside.

           Even if it was hurting him.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry c:


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             I am very, very sorry for this chapter being so late. I have been really busy with school and my sick cat last months. I hope it won't happen again, however, there is lot of school work waiting for me this semester. Also, I had to get a job in gallery since my art did not made me a lot of money lately. (which is understandable since I had no time to draw anything other than school assignments) But still! I will try my best because I love writing this and I love all your support and comments. This fanfic really helped me with my English and is really making me happy to tell this story.
> 
>             Anyway! I hope you will enjoy this chapter! Huge thanks to my dear, dear [Glitzbot](glitzbot.tumblr.com) and [Saltscream](saltscream.tumblr.com) for their help with this and all other chapters!

            Magnus visiting him due to an injury caused by Wheeljack's bomb wasn't strange at all. Neither was him complaining about the lack of discipline around; given that was Magnus's everyday hobby. However, hearing about the progress in Knockout's caretaking job was a bit new.

            He had stopped trying to inform himself properly about Breakdown's well-being after his ex had left the med bay he shared with Ambulon. Yes, once a week he got his hands on a crappy report from Knockout that mainly included results of various check-up tests but nothing too detailed.

            Ratchet's irritation over Knockout got even worse when Ambulon told him about how he reacted to having his position changed. What an arrogant, selfish prick! Ratchet was too old for this.

            “Could you add these reports too? And sign them?” Magnus asked after Ratchet signed at least four documents that would approve both Knockout and Breakdown visiting Earth. He already had Knockout's latest test run on his oversized patient from today on the monitors.

            “Magnus, I really don’t think this is necessary, I’m a doctor not a-“

            “Protocol is protocol Ratchet!” Ratchet rolled his eyes, unable to protest. First Knockout made him dump him, then he acted like a two day old protoform, and after all of that he had to go through this charade with Magnus because of him. He really did not see any point in taking the patient to an alien planet but if Knockout thinks it might help…

            “Have you met this patient personally?” Magnus asked after Ratchet made copies of the reports.

            “Well… sure I did. I was the one leading his open spark operation.” Ratchet did not raise his eyes from the pad. Thinking about what happened months ago was still making his spark ache. He hated to bring personal bias to his job but... he already did.

            “You know, before heading here, I was looking at this bot's record list. He used to be Wrecker, he even used to be under my command.” Magnus paused. “I did not recognize him at first, but after looking into some old files I found more information about him. He didn’t serve for long before committing crimes against the Wreckers. I do not know if it's safe to have this bot around. I am not even sure if I should give final approval for this visit to Earth. Perhaps I should alarm the Wreckers about this and get a trail for h-”

            “Magnus,” Ratchet interrupted, raising his optics. “Do you really think he will be a threat? He is suffering from serious brain cog damage caused by our common enemy. He is no longer able to hurt anyone; he’s a patient, a patient under my liability.” Ratchet couldn’t recall when he had last lied so many times with so few words. Well, he wasn’t technically lying, but he wasn’t giving Magnus the complete truth either. Common enemy? Yes, considering the humans who helped get him into this state, but it was the reckless decepticon doctor who was the main source of Breakdown's suffering. He cleared Knockout's name in all reports and did not mention a word anywhere, even though it was clear exactly what had happened. Everyone from the troops to the rest of original team prime knew it. Well, Breakdown's arrival had hurt Ratchet's feelings for sure, but he wouldn’t dare say something so shameful aloud.

            “This bot was not only killing Autobots as a Decepticon, but even as an Autobot himself R-“

            “Magnus, think about it. Don’t you think this is enough? He is already having his… his punishment.” He hated to use a serious medical condition and the word “punishment” in the same sentence, but he had to admit it was true. “Besides, how would you even conduct a proper trial for him? Would you lock him up in a prison? He wouldn’t survive that. Or what? Want to give him a death penalty? Just wait a few hundred years, his rusted spark will get him for you. But well, I guess if everyone who killed someone during the war will get the death penalty… spark rust will punish us for all our sins… even the sins of the Wreckers.”

            Well, that seemed a bit harsh but it made Magnus silent until Ratchet handed all the signed pads to him. “Ratchet…” He hesitated, likely still taken aback by Ratchet's words. “Keep up the good work.”

            It was nice to be appreciated, but he did not feel like he was doing good work in any aspect of his life at all.

* * *

            The very day they broke up, Ratchet went to Knockout's apartment and took all his things. As he had predicted, it was easy to do so. He left his key on the cupboard and let the cold walls of his old apartment welcome him back. He soon found out he left some things in his hurry, but he could not care less.

            The first night had been terrible. As well as the second night, third night, and all of the nights after. He had gotten so used to a warm body embracing him. Frustration was growing on him, and Ratchet spent most of these nights sleepless. Thinking about Knockout, no matter how much he tried (and he did not try very hard), he could only recall bad memories. Like Knockout distracting him from important work, using all the warm water, accidentally kicking Ratchet from the berth… There were so many terrible things about that egomaniac,and yet, why did he still feel so spark broken?

            His thoughts often wandered to memories of Breakdown. Terrified and broken and yet, next to the feeling of pity he could not shake an extremely bizarre level of jealousy. It was so silly, he thought, illogical… however, he was the one who ended up sharing a berth with no one but his thoughts.

            Once again, like he used to do before, Ratchet spent much more time in the med bay than home. First Aid's company was quite pleasant and he did not mind the old doctor staying for such long periods of time. Ratchet even got used to waking up next to a still warm cup of energon. Or covered by a heating blanket. When was the last time Knockout made hot energon for him? He would maybe remember but he did not even try to do so.

            He actually planned to pay Breakdown a visit as he promised, but Ambulon proved himself to be a far more comfortable source of information. Instead of just a weekly report from Knockout he also got a report (gossip) from Ambulon. Mostly involving Knockout's terrible ideas like torturing whole med bay with terrible music or scaring patients by his mere presence. Once Ambulon even admitted to finding a bottle of alcohol hidden between some braces. He regretted divulging such a secret, but Ratchet promised to stay silent about it despite how unacceptable it was. He hadn’t forgotten his own wild young doctor years after all.

             However reckless Knockout seemed to be, Ambulon started giving positive reports about Breakdown’s mental state after some time. At that point, Ratchet did not know if should be relieved or fall into even deeper misery. He somehow managed to do both.

            Thoughts about how him and Knockout could have continued to be relatively happy replaced thoughts about him and Optimus. This could’ve been him.

* * *

            “Ratchet, I cannot believe this. You two are the same, you know. Both stubborn to the core.”

            “P-Pardon me Arcee?” He turned from the bunch of protoforms he was checking on. First Aid was worried about them getting rust but it was a false alarm. These could be sent to professional caretakers who would make sure they transformed into adult Cybertronians without any trouble.

            “I am standing behind what I said.” She crossed her arms, leveling a stern look at him. She had been coming to the med bay for these “talks” about Knockout for some time. At first he had thought it would be better to hear news about Breakdown's health after so much time without it, but Arcee was giving him less information and more scolding.

            “Look at yourself, when was the last time you got some rest? You both need to stop this charade.”

            “Arcee! You don’t understand, this is personal between me and Knockout and I do not wish you t-“

            “I don’t care what’s happening between you and Knockout; no one wants you two to get together again, alright? But he is not handling things well at all and it's not only affecting him. I worry it will hurt Breakdown too.” She did not move, still holding this stiff scolding pose. Sometimes she was even better than Ratchet at giving lectures.

            “Then why won’t HE seek my help!? He apparently doesn’t need it that much. And since when you care about Breakdown anyway?” Ratchet mumbled, visibly defeated, his spark aching.

            “Oh please, acting like you don’t know him… oh and look who’s talking, the one who took all those oaths to protect every bot's health...” She paused; Ratchet suspected her new partner was probably a huge influence in this. He did not know the police scout well but since they had hooked up together Arcee had become calmer, and he would even dare to say, happier. It was a good thing for her to finally move on from the loss of Cliffjumper.

            “Weeks ago he visited Earth, did you know that?” She continued as Ratchet nodded. Of course he knew that, he had to go through a hilariously huge amount of paperwork because of that. “Something must have happened. He wasn't taking this caretaker position very good from the beginning but now he doesn’t even take care of himself properly. He worries Breakdown is getting worse.”

            Well, now that was something that made Ratchet worry.

* * *

            It had taken him days to recover from his rough conversation with Arcee, but in the end he made a decision. A decision he regretted as soon as he got before the doors of Knockout’s apartment.

            He would love to say he was keeping his strict doctor attitude in place, but the second he stood there he felt like he was about to explode; something a doctor feels before an operation that they know is a lost cause from the first sight.

            He'd seen so many terrible things, so many deaths and broken bots but yet, his brain cog and spark were losing it over broken feelings. He was sick from himself.

            He felt his spark sinking a bit more when he knocked on the door. Well, what was the worst that could happen? He could get yelled at or Knockout wouldn’t even open the door; neither were a big deal, so why was he dying of anxiety?

            It took a long time, so long he even thought about leaving when doors slowly opened.

            He really wasn’t in his best form but honestly, Ratchet had expected worse. Knockout seemed exhausted and his eyes were dim. It was visible he was not polishing himself every day, his finish lacked the usual shine and was covered by dozens of tiny dents. It wasn’t normal for Knockout he knew that was true, but his or Bulkhead's finish was in a similar state daily.

            However, he was definitely very tired since he did not even react for a few seconds; Ratchet guessed he had just woken him up from recharge.

            “W-what-” Knockout's voice clicked as he fully realized who was standing before him, his eyes snapped open and suddenly there was only a little evidence of him being so exhausted before. His senses became fully alarmed. “What in the pit are you doing here?” He almost whispered the question.

            By the Allspark, he had really hoped Knockout would just start yelling and slam the door in his face; it would make the whole situation so much easier to deal with.

            “I came to see the patient.” Ratchet said evenly, knowing he had to stay calm. Or perhaps not? Knockout clenched his fists, the cover of irritation visibly falling on him now that he had recovered from the shock of Ratchet standing before him.

            “You are a few months late. Besides, shouldn’t you be asking Ambulon? He was snitching to you well wasn’t he?.” Knockout spitted, giving him a fake smile. Oh, yes, this. It had to be such a shot to his ego.

            “Leaving the patient without a proper supervisor was a foolish mistake.” He admitted, hoping this whole conversation would just be over now. What an egocentric idiot, couldn’t he just let him do his job?

            “He is my patient!” Knockout raised his voice, but he was visibly happy about Ratchet blaming himself. He would never blame himself for leaving Knockout, of course not. However, he felt bad for ignoring the patient he had led the operation on for so long.

            “Knockout… please let me help. Arcee said you worry he is not getting better. Two doctors can solve more than one.” If this didn’t work he would leave.

            Well…it seemed to work, Knockout's eyes softened together with his posture.

            “You fired me. I am not a doctor anymore.” He whispered, but slowly stepped aside, making space for Ratchet to come in.

            “I did not fire you, it was just a formality.” He mumbled back. Well, he would lie if he said he did not want to punish Knockout a little by changing his position but of course, it was necessary in said situation.

            Ratchet was surprised by how tidy the place was; much more so than Knockout's frame. He expected it to be in a far worse state. But he was even more taken aback when Knockout led him to his room.

            Breakdown was lying in Knockout's enormous berth, covered in heating blankets, his optics were open, staring to the void.

            Knockout helped him to sit, being as gentle as possible and took the blankets aside, exposing a perfectly polished and shiny body to Ratchet.

            “He just took his medication so we… I mean, I got him into berth.” Ratchet was staring at Breakdown for a while before finally pulling himself together and taking a few steps closer. He opened his small medical kit and started with a routine checkup. Breakdown’s eyes were reacting to light but did not follow it. The good news being that his brain cog was able to accept his new right eye, even though it was a bit slower than the left one. His mouth was perfectly done, he had to admit, Knockout still was one of the best plastic surgeons he'd ever met.

            He checked on all functions and even the spark while Knockout stood to the side. He dared to peek at him a few times. His fingers were slightly shaking and his face was stiff.

            Breakdown was so clean, even his spark. He could imagine Knockout polishing him daily.

            “How is his mental progress going? Did he try to talk?” Knockout shook his head and handled Ratchet a pad.

            “This is diary I started to write for him. I…” He paused, probably ashamed to admit what was obvious. “I really think he is getting worse.” Yes, that was exactly what Arcee had told him. Ratchet took the pad from Knockout’s shaking hand and quickly read through it. It was poorly made but he got the idea about the situation and was already suspecting the reason why Breakdown got worse. It was obvious.

            “Knockout, what drugs do you give him?”

            Oh, here we go. Knockout embraced himself into a protective position.

            “The one you prescribed.” He admitted.

            “Why didn’t you switch to something weaker? I bet he doesn’t need these anymore.” He felt a little wave of anger rising, the same wave he got when they broke up. No, he had to keep this cool.

            “He was in a lot of pain.” He closed his eyes, most likely trying to calm himself, but it wasn’t really effective.

            Ratchet's expression softened; this was a common mistake hospitals made. He mostly met with it while talking to organic doctors since they do not have pain receptors to turn off the pain. Overdosing a patient in the hopes of reducing pain, but blocking mental recovery in the process was sad but nothing new.

            “Can you give me the exact information on all of Breakdown’s medicine?” He asked. Knockout nodded and left for a while, his knees obviously shaking. Ratchet almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

            He came back with a diagnostic drone, the one that went missing months ago. Well, good job with condemnation of medical bay property. They needed that, but he did not say a word. Knockout already seemed devastated.

            “Maybe you should go to the living room and get some rest.” Ratchet suggested as he opened the information about medicament on the med bot's screen.

            “So you can sneak around and find more fuck ups I made?” He said as he sat on berth next to Breakdown.

            “Well… yes.” Ratchet said bluntly. No point in lying.

            Knockout's expression broke; he had seemingly no power to say anything. Ratchet did not know if it was any kind of provocation or if he was seeking support but Knockout took Breakdown’s massive hand and started massaging his joints. The whole scene was extremely uncomfortable.

            Even more uncomfortable was the fact that Knockout had not only been keeping the strong medication but also overdosing the patient. Ratchet had no willpower to make a scene, he felt like Knockout was slowly losing it.

            “This is at least three times more than I prescribed...”

            His voice clicked as Knockout covered his face, he had to at least have suspected this amount of medication was wrong. But then, he remembered Arcee's words, Knockout obviously needed help as well.

            “Anyway, aside from that, Breakdown’s physical state has gotten better. You are… doing a good job in keeping him in shape.” He almost mumbled the last part of the sentence.

            Knockout did not reply, just stayed in that position of absolute sadness, Ratchet noticed him even shaking a little. He hadn’t really wanted to put him in more misery, even if he did deserve it a little. Or maybe he wanted to, but not on purpose.

            “I will get something weaker for him tomorrow morning. I would like to start cutting these down, even if he starts begging. I wouldn’t be surprised if his body is already addicted to these.” Ratchet paused after he tapped on the name of the drug on the screen but Knockout did not move or respond.

            He dared to gently pet his shaking shoulder plate but it only made the situation more awkward and after both of them jerked away he decided to not do it again.

            “Look, like I said, you did a great job with his face and with nursing care. This is a mistake a lot of doctors make. Just, keep the good work. I will be here tomorrow with the new medication and will come back for a checkup next week. I mean it, what we had aside, no more hiding from responsibilities.” He felt anxiety rising but he could not continue to ignore these problems. That would only make matters worse. He caught this problem before the drugs could do any serious damage, or at least he hoped there would be no addiction. Taking Breakdown off it slowly and exchanging it with weaker and weaker medicine should go just fine. Perhaps his brain-cog was so damaged nothing would change. Brains are mysterious organs, one never knows.

            Knockout nodded, rubbing his face. “I-I think you should go... I need to feed him and he will need some rest after that.” Ratchet did not doubt Knockout would go for rest as well. That was good, he needed that.

            He was surprised when Knockout accompanied him on his way to doors. They both were silent; however much Ratchet wanted to ask Knockout about his own mental health he decided it was enough for one day. Only thing they said to each other was a simple “goodbye.”

* * *

            When he brought the medicine for Knockout the next day, he did not look any better. However when he came back a week after that Knockout seemed a bit relieved.

            Nothing visibly changed but Knockout claimed that he noticed Breakdown seemed to be more aware of his surroundings. Well, his eyes still weren’t following the light when he flashed it into Breakdown's face but he still hoped Knockout was right.

            After closer observation Ratchet exchanged some more medicine for the ones he thought would suit Breakdown's case better, along with the addition of some supplements and minerals into his diet.

            It had an even better result than Ratchet had hoped. When he came by for his fourth checkup, a month since the change of medicaments, Knockout greeted him with great news.

            “I think he was trying to talk. He was staring right at me and tried to speak.” Knockout helped Breakdown into a sitting position, shushing him every time he made any noise of distress.

            “He is a bit whiny today,” He admitted, “It’s the weather, when he has a bad day he cannot even stand up. But it’s been getting better since…” he stopped short, rubbing Breakdown's back, probably hoping to help him deal with the chronic pain. “You know…” Of course Ratchet knew he meant since the medicament change. He nodded, deciding not to comment and moved to check on Breakdown.

            “What did he try to say?” He asked, preparing his tools.

            “Ehhh…” Knockout seemed to think about it for a while, probably trying to find words to describe the sound. “I think he… well nothing specific but it did not sound like when he is whining.”

            Ratchet did not really think it was anything different than sounds of morning dizziness but he didn’t want to admit that in front of Knockout. After all, he hadn’t been there to hear the sound.

            Now even he had to admit there was a change. Breakdown was not only following the light but also kept staring at Ratchet’s movements. Ratchet even had to push his hands away as Breakdown tried to reach for his datapad.

            “I need that,” He frowned, but despite that he felt a huge wave of relief for Breakdown. However, he was still aware of Knockout’s mental health not being in the best shape. He seemed a bit more relieved but Ratchet could not ignore the tiny scars on his finish. It did seem like he had tried to buff his lights at least, but this still wasn’t the Knockout he remembered.

            As soon as it wasn’t affecting Breakdown's recovery it shouldn't be an issue for Ratchet, but he still felt this nonsensical level of responsibility for him.

            He watched Knockout tucking Breakdown into the heating blankets as soon as Ratchet finished the checkup, covering him from neck to pedes.

            “I’m not really going to make it too warm, his processor was overheating a little when he woke up, but the warmth should nub the pain for sure.” He said more to himself than to Ratchet, turning to him as he stroked Breakdown's exhausted face, ready to follow their routine. Checkup, a few parting words and then taking him to the door.

            “Knockout, I wanted to ask something.” He started while Knockout was still paying full attention to shushing Breakdown. “How do you feel? Would you like me to prescribe you something for nerves?” As he asked Knockout turned to him, wearing the expression of someone who was just extremely offended.

            “What do you mean?” Well the conversation wasn’t off to the best start, but Ratchet wasn’t here to cover everything in cotton.

            “I noticed you continue to be a bit... mentally unstable.” Ratchet said, trying to sound more firm. Knockout gave him a nasty glare.

            “I am handling my health just fine, thank you very much. Don’t forget, I _am_ still a doctor.” Ratchet wanted to argue, but he decided to let it go this time. He wasn’t a psychologist and getting into a fight right now wouldn’t be wise.

 

            He wasn’t sure how to cope with this new situation of having Knockout in his life again. It was his professional life, but it still required Ratchet to see him once or twice a week. The tension between them had eased of course, but not enough to make Ratchet comfortable.

            He often found himself thinking about him during the night; about his unpolished finish and tired eyes.

            He was too old for this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really sorry for not updating for such a long long time. I got stuck in a lot of school responsibilities and financial troubles. However! I really hope now I will be able to update more frequently.  
>   
> If you want support me by any way. Like talk or have any advice how to make this fic better I am to be found o my [tumblr](https://charliedzilla.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://https://twitter.com/Charliedzilla)  
>   
> Huge thanks to my beta and all of you who left comments on previous chapters <3 I really missed sharing this story and do not worry, I will try to share it with more frequent posting.

   Seeing Ratchet at his doorstep that morning was really the last thing Knockout had expected from that day. And finding out that his medical care had made Breakdown's state even worse was another thing he did not expect. But then again, he'd been fucking up so much lately... well... his whole life, this shouldn't have surprised him in the slightest.   
  
   He kind of hoped Ratchet was wrong, however selfish that was. He hoped to find out overdosing wasn't to blame for stopping the healing progress. But once Breakdown really did start to get better, these negative thoughts were covered by a thin layer of relief. Sure, he still felt this crippling guilt twisting in his spark over and over. And it only got worse every damn time Ratchet visited. But seeing Breakdown reacting to his touch was worth seeing the person who was making his anxiety worse once a week. Well, fine, maybe it wasn't worth it, but he had to admit it was ALMOST worth it.   
  
   He only had to endure a few hours per week of being reminded of why he lost his position as medic by Ratchet's mere presence. He could handle that. There was nothing more to lose really. And after all, Ratchet really did help the situation. Knockout only wished him to stop asking such a personal questions. A simple “How are you?” would be nice, but “Are you taking something?” or ”Are you drinking?” was too much. Yes, he felt like... how did the humans put it? Oh yes, like a piece of worthless shit. But Breakdown was getting better, so he was getting better too.   
  
   It had been almost a month since Breakdown had started the new medication and Knockout noticed his grip had gotten tighter. He still wasn't able to communicate properly, but it seemed like he was trying to.   
  
   His eyes were still exhausted all the time, but they were following Knockout and the med drone around whenever they moved.     
  
   “Where is that damn thing?” He growled as he was unable to find the diagnostic drone. He suspected the worst when the drone didn’t react to the first call; Ratchet taking the damn thing back to the med bay. It didn’t seem likely, but paranoia was crawling into him more often now. The drone made drug application so much easier, he really did not want to give it up. Or maybe it had just fallen somewhere and got stuck; that happened sometimes, as the drone really wasn't really the newest model.   
  
   “Oh…” He stopped himself as he opened the doors to his berthroom. Of all things, he did not expect to find the drone in Breakdown's grip.   
  
   The bruiser was sitting and staring at the wall, clumsily gripping the poor drone in one hand while hitting it with the other. Knockout supposed he was trying to pet the thing but with his weakened motor skills he was causing more damage to the already glitching drone than pleasing it. The drones were built to last during the war, and yes it had been expensive and high quality at the time, but it was a really old machine now.   
  
   “Oh no, no, no, my dear.” Knockout rushed to him after pulling himself together and gently released the med bot. Fortunately the machine had survived with only with minimal damage on the right wing.   
  
   He put the drone aside and sat next to Breakdown, gently squeezing his massive palms.    
  
   “Oh Breakdown, that's not a pet.” His voice clicked a few times; he couldn't even be mad at him. He gently massaged his joints while the drone was clicking and twitching it's damaged wing.   
  
   He wasn't one hundred percent sure what just happened but he suspected Breakdown most likely mistook the drone for something to play with. Like a pet.   
  
   He remembered Breakdown having this, this minicon? Domestic insecticon? Knockout wasn't really sure what it was since it was mostly covered in mud all the time and it's only purpose was to make Knockout mad. And it was a long ago, way before they arrived on Earth.   
  
   He even tried to poison the thing a few times or take it as far from their camping place as possible hoping it would get lost, but the pet always survived and found it’s way back. That thing even got it's head shot once and survived. Breakdown loved it so much, taking it onto his lap and petting it for hours.    
  
   Knockout remembered that they had been at a bar when it was killed; some other bot’s domestic sparkeater had slaughtered it. Breakdown almost killed the guy after, and they got a lifetime ban from the bar. Breakdown had cried and smashed things out of anger for weeks. Knockout did not even try to put the damn thing back together; it had survived a lot before, but this was way worse than “just” a blown up head.   
  
   He had wanted another pet so much but Knockout had not wanted to even hear of it.   
  
   He pressed Breakdown's massive servos to his lip plates and continued to gently stroke them.   
  
   “I never thought I would say this but, if you get better I might consider getting a new pet for you. Would you like that? You were always so jealous over Bulkhead having that ugly little human pet. How about we get you another insecticon. Deal? Just don't damage the drone, we need that.” Damn he was even getting Ratchet's old phrases back. He bit his glossa strongly, to remember not to use such forbidden language next time.   
  
   He felt so full of positive emotions that he even thought about writing a note about this into the diary. Well of course he ended up not doing it and just dozed next to Breakdown, holding his hand. After hours of extremely uncomfortable recharge, he found himself being woken up by Breakdown squeezing his palms.   


* * *

   He wasn't really happy when he found out Arcee was the one who literally sent Ratchet to his apartment, but it was easier to deal with than when he had found out about Ambulon snitching.   
  
   “And then I took the drone away from him. I was worried he did a good deal of damage, but in the end it wasn't anything serious. As I said, I think he mistook it for a pet insecticon he had one time, or perhaps he thought it was Bulkhead's head and tried to beat the scrap out of it,” Knockout gave them an eyebrow wiggle before suddenly becoming worried that this joke would get him a pede in face; but fortunately these two had quite a good level of self-control.   
  
   “Wow, I'm glad to see you've gotten your unfunny sense of humor back,” Arcee leaned against the couch, petting her oversized partner's helm. But despite her visible irritation, Knockout could still see worries on her face.   
  
   “What?” He raised his eyebrows. “Look, he's not really going to hurt anyone… probably.”    
  
   “Well, maybe you should get a pet to distract him from punching innocent citizens then. I think Breakdown would welcome that. You said yourself he liked his old insecticon friend so much,” Strongarm said, completely ignoring his last comment.   
  
   “Hey, no pets allowed. I won't be stuck cleaning up it's messes and tolerating Breakdown taking it to our berth. Or Primus forbid, having a pet running around my kitchen,” He frowned, even though he had been thinking about getting a pet himself. He leaned against Breakdown, stroking his back. He was comfortably covered in blankets.   
  
   “I also think he’s trying to talk. I don't think his brain cog is able to translate what we are saying right now, but I think it's trying.”   
  
   “Ah, did he finally say something, sir?” Strongarm seemed all excited to hear the news; she for sure wanted to hear all of Breakdown's bad puns from him personally.   
  
   “Well… no, not anything I could understand, but I bet the first thing he will say will be extremely sappy.” Well, of course not. Knockout was hoping for a simple yes or no; maybe his name. If he ever did get to talk again.    


* * *

   “Wait, I need to add all this stuff the old scrap prescribed,” He growled as he prepared energon for Breakdown. The huge bot was standing behind him, loud processor running. He was leaning against Knockout with his bust.   
  
   Knockout was glad he was starting to become aware of things he needed, like energon or painkillers. He was even sending Knockout signals now. It'd been a few days since Knockout had noticed this. It wasn't anything big, just noises and touches, but it was still progress. He was actually giving lots of unwanted touches, mostly to tools Knockout needed.   
  
   His voice box was clicking and hands stretching for the cup.   
  
   “Give me a moment please,” He rolled his eyes, gently pushing Breakdown's hands away. He was applying the exact amount of prescribed medicine, even when it came to vitamins. To milligrams. He did not want to repeat any of his past mistakes.   
  
   “I will just heat it up a bit and make one for myself too. You like it warm, remember?” He sighed; even though he had to focus on counting milligrams, he had to admit he was enjoying having the warmth of Breakdown's bust against the back of his head.   
  
   Breakdown stopped moving for a while, silently buzzing.   
  
   “Energon.” The word cut into the pleasant atmosphere like a blade, shattering it.   
  
   For a few seconds Knockout thought he was in a nightmare. His whole body jerked, spilling the energon he was preparing over the desk, but he did not care. Breakdown was right behind him, so close to his bare neck.   
  
   Knockout had hoped the first thing he'd hear from Breakdown would be something sentimental or a bad joke. That would be really in character. But this, he did not doubt it was back; something just clicked in his brain cog and he turned back into a teracon again. Knockout knew as soon as he turned his head he would see Breakdown's mouth transformed into a giant sucker, ready to pay back all the pain Knockout had caused.   
  
   Knockout did not move an inch, shaking in complete terror. The first word that Knockout had a chance to hear from Breakdown after so long would also be the last.   
  
   “Energon,” Breakdown repeated, taking a clumsy step even closer, pushing Knockout forward.    
  
   After minutes passed of nothing but fear and the buzzing of Breakdown's spark against Knockout's helm, he dared to turn.   
  
   To his relief the only thing he saw was… well, was Breakdown. Hungry and impatient energon from cup, not the one from Knockout's neck. His mouth was still perfectly in place, only marred by fine cracks and his eyes were still yellow and very, very tired.   
  
   “Energon.”    
  
   “A-Ah yes, yes of course.” His voice clicked.    
  
   “L-Let me do it again... ok?” He tried to pull himself together. He quickly started preparing another mug, ignoring the one he spilled over. This time he wasn't as careful with the dosing. He heated it and after some hesitation gently pushed Breakdown toward the living room couch. He was clumsily limping before him.   
  
   Well, it was only logical that this would be the first thing his brain cog would remember. But Knockout could still feel his spark racing from fear, even after Breakdown was fed and comfortably leaning against him while watching "Back to the Future."   
  
    It wasn't even fifteen minutes into the movie when he decided to call Strongarm for movie a night. He had been waiting for Breakdown to speak for over seven months, but no way was he going to be alone with him in his apartment tonight.    


* * *

   Breakdown repeated the word energon a few times a day and it was still sending a shiver down Knockout's spine for the next couple of weeks. He was relieved to hear Breakdown speak, but he really had hoped it would start differently. However, no matter how much it made him nearly leak energon, it was progress.    
  
   Ratchet seemed relieved too.   
  
   Actually, it was during one of his visits when Breakdown spoke again; saying something besides "energon."   
  
  Breakdown had been dozing on the couch while watching some soap opera with Knockout. Well, the Aston Martin did not think he was really watching since his eyes were always looking everywhere except the screen.    
  
   Knockout could not ignore Ratchet's judgmental expression when he saw Breakdown sleeping in a sitting position and not comfortably in the berth. Or at least Knockout thought it was a judgmental look; he did not expect anything different from Ratchet.   
  
   He had prepared his medical kit as always, that day he wanted to run a closer checkup on Breakdown's spark. Also he wanted to try applying some new rust-protecting gels on it. Breakdown was still becoming more and more alert and his eyes were less dim and clearer; following all of Ratchet's movements.   
  
   “Hello,” Breakdown said as Ratchet gently touched his shoulder wheel to wake him up.   
  
   They both stayed silent, unable to process what had just happened. Watching Breakdown blinking at them.   
  
   Knockout could feel happiness mixing with a bit of jealousy embracing his spark. The first words he had gotten were like out of a horror movie; why did Ratchet get a hello??

   Knockout covered his mouth, making a whining sound. He wanted to say something, but he wasn't able to find the strength over the mix of emotions.   
  
   “Hello Breakdown," Ratchet pulled himself together before Knockout. It did not seem to hit him emotionally but there was a visible smile across his faceplate.   
  
   “How was your sleep? Comfortable? I am here for your check up.” Breakdown did not reply but he did frown. It was followed by a buzzing sound from his head processor.   
  
   “Did you sleep well? No? Or yes?” Ratchet repeated slowly. Apparently giving Breakdown's brain cog time to translate the words. “Sleep well?  No? Yes?   
  
   “No,” Breakdown said after a long pause. Leaning his head against the back of the couch.   
  
   “Why?” Ratchet asked again to which Breakdown only repeated a simple “no” again.   
  
   “I-I will get you to the berth when Ratchet leaves, so you can rest comfortably.” Knockout broke into their simple conversation, his voice shaking; he did not care about Ratchet standing there. He sat next to Breakdown and embraced him, leaning his head against Breakdown's warm helm. It wasn't exactly burning from overheat, but he really wanted to get Ratchet out of there for a while.   
  
   “Ratchet, get him a cold compress, he's burning up. It should be in the wash racks,” He said dryly, holding Breakdown's hand. He expected Ratchet to refuse, but in the end he allowed Knockout to have this unprofessional moment.

* * *

   “Hello Breakdown,” He greeted as he sat on the berth next to him. He set the plate with his morning energon and injection with coolant aside to help Breakdown sit up.   
  
   “Hello,” He said back, still sleepy. It was a good start to the day; even Knockout had quite a pleasant sleep. He had still woken up a few times during night, but he did not feel like crushing something out of frustration that morning.   
  
   “How are you Breakdown?” He asked to which Breakdown replied a simple "good." It'd been a few days since his “hello" debut and his vocabulary had gained a few new simple words. Such as “good”, “bad”, “cold”, “hurt”, and “Knockout”.   
  
   He sat next to him, preparing the coolant shot; Breakdown already eyed it, not happy about seeing the damn thing.     
  
   “No, no!” He begged as Knockout applied coolant to his neck; he even tried to push his caretaker away. Knockout had to do it himself since the diagnostic drone ended up with a broken screen when trying to apply it yesterday.    
  
   Knockout wasn't surprised by Breakdown's fear of injections; he had to go through a lot of pain because of them during his torture after all. It scared him even though he knew Breakdown most likely still did not remember exactly what had happened. Yet. However he associated the tool with pain. The same way he associated Knockout's name with him but did not have any memories of him.   
  
   “It's done, stop whining,” He frowned, but gently massaged the place on his neck where the coolant had been applied. Knockout doubted it was actually causing Breakdown pain, but his brain cog got alarmed every time he saw an injection. He really hoped he would get used to it sooner or later.   
  
   He allowed Breakdown to calm down before stroking his face. “Look you know it's for your own good... well... ok, you most likely do not know that yet but... I’m sorry for doing this to you, but it has to be done. Look, I asked Strongarm to get you something special, you liked these so much.” Knockout quickly hid the injection behind the table lamp and exchanged it with energon jello. That seemed to calm Breakdown a little.   
  
   “Want to do it yourself?” He asked, offering the plate to the brute. It took some time for him to take tiny jello into his massive clumsy fingers, but he did.    
  
   Knockout offered him a little assistance with gently pushing his hand in the right direction, but seeing him eat almost by himself was still another small win.    
  
   To his surprise, Breakdown did not purr in happiness from eating the food he used to love so much (he used to love anything sweet), but instead leaned forward to spit jello into Knockout's hand.   
  
“No,” He said, trying to get the taste off his glossa with his digits.   
  
   “Ugh, Breakdown you are being gross,” Knockout frowned, trying to find something he could use to wipe his hand. Well, it looked like Breakdown's new taste receptors connected with his brain cog were quite different. It wasn't rare that a bot's tastes changed after having their mouth rebuilt, but Knockout had really hoped it wouldn't be this drastic. Breakdown loved to eat and he did not doubt that lot of his memories were connected to food.   
  
   “No. You are gross,” Breakdown replied, which made Knockout almost choke.    
  
   “Are you trying to sass me or what?” When Breakdown did not reply to that and still seemed annoyed over the taste of the jello, Knockout realized that he had probably meant to refer to the jello and not to Knockout. He just couldn't find the right connections between words.   
  
   Knockout offered him a glass of hot energon to flush the taste. He couldn't say he wasn't annoyed since it took some time to get his hands on these goodies, but Breakdown speaking new sentences was pushing his irritation away. At least it had been Strongarm who went through the trouble and not him.   
  
   “I will take you shopping if you want and you can choose whatever you want to eat,” He promised as Breakdown finished drinking. Breakdown turned to him giving him a confused look.   
  
   “Well, never mind, you will see.” He sighed and stroked Breakdown's helm.

* * *

   Breakdown was watching Knockout buffing his giant blue busty frame closely. The Aston Martin was glad he hadn't shown any signs of fear when he had started. The buffer was a tool he hadn't seen in a really long time and Knockout hadn't been sure what his reaction to it would be. Fortunately there wasn't anything unpleasant connected to buffing, at least nothing Knockout could recall. Breakdown even seemed to enjoy being buffed.   
  
   Speaking of it, he hadn't buffed himself properly in ages. Well, it was pointless since he got scratched from Breakdown all the time.   
  
   Knockout remembered the days when he had been so lonely on the Nemesis; he felt so unimportant and down. He hadn't wanted to admit it to himself at first, but then that damn train had hit him. His finish was ruined, massacred, and oh Primus he was so broken and lonely and… and even when Megatron finally did not bother assigning him work he did nothing with it.    
  
   He had allowed his finish to be in this terrible state for days. He had felt disgusting and used and every time he tried to fix himself alone he had to think about everything bad that had happened to him. It was so hard with all these deep cuts and scratches. He had to think about loneliness, about all the disrespect he was facing, and also that damn train.   
  
   However seeing himself in the mirror and facing all the scars was even worse. He eventually had to get himself together, at least physically.    
  
   “Well, good as a new bot,” He praised, quickly checking that he did not miss anything. Breakdown was comfortably seated on the couch, now shiny and clean.    
  
   Knockout was staring at him for a while. He really did a great job with his finish today. It used to be so rare, no, impossible for Breakdown to look more shiny and clean than Knockout. But well, over the past half a year it had become a reality.   
  
   “Hey, what about you doing me now," He said suddenly and before Breakdown could even get a chance to think about what he just heard he had a buffer in his massive servo.   
  
   Knockout sat next to him, puffing chest out in the hopes of get a proper buff like before. He'd always felt better after a proper buffing.   
  
   “Well, you just saw what I did to you, Breakdown. Buff me,” He said and mimicked the gesture of buffing with his hand.   
  
   “No, no, don't buff yourself. And you didn't even turn it on," He rolled his optics as Breakdown pushed the buffer to his own chest. He gently took his hand, turned it on and led his arm to his own frame.   
  
   To Knockout's huge disappointment, Breakdown was barely able to even get a little close to the buffing talent he had before the whole accident. His grip was clumsy and he did not seem to understand the whole concept of polishing one's frame.   
  
   Knockout rubbed his optics; feeling embarrassed for even thinking this could work.   
  
    “Ok, that's enough. I think we'll just try it later.” He took the tool from Breakdown and started buffing himself. He would get scratched again soon, but with Breakdown's state improving, he should try to improve himself too.   
  
   Of course, he wasn't able to do as good of a job as he did on Breakdown since he could hardly reach his back, but after a long time he seemed more like his old self.   
  
   “What do you think?” He turned to Breakdown, showing him his new shiny look. “How-do-I-look?” He asked slowly, hoping Breakdown's brain cog would accept the information.   
  
   “Good… Shiny.” He got back. Knockout smiled and cupped Breakdown's face, stroking the sides of his helm.   
  
   “That's what I wanted to hear, but next time say: Knockout you look great AND shiny, fine?” He laughed and scratched Breakdown under his chin guard.   
  
   This time he got a smile from him. Oh Primus how he had missed these smiles.    
  
   “Great.”

* * *

   Every time they left Knockout's… their apartment, Breakdown seemed like he was out for the first time. He was frantically looking from side to side and became full of energy. It should not surprise Knockout, as they were spending a lot of time inside.   
  
   “Hello sir, hello Breakdown,” Strongarm greeted. Knockout had come to the conclusion that having help would make their little journey to the store and back much easier. He did not really want to have a repeat of the last incident with the knocked shelf. Especially now that Breakdown was more active.    
  
   Breakdown waved at Strongarm, imitating her gestures. Knockout could see a smile forming on both her and Arcee's faces.   
  
   “You two are looking great today,” Arcee noted, observing Knockout's shiny finish. Well, at least this would finally make her stop worrying, and he really did feel good that day.   
  
   He watched Strongarm immediately take Breakdown around waist, allowing him to lean his weight against her side.   
  
     “Who are you?” He asked, that seemed to upset her a little, but not as much as when he had asked the first three times in last two weeks. Knockout hoped he would soon be able to memorize her name as well as the names of others. He felt a little proud that Breakdown only knew his name, but it didn't mean much if he did not remember anything else about the Aston Martin.   
  
   “My name is Strongarm and I am your friend. This is Arcee, she is also your friend.” She said patiently. It seemed to satisfy Breakdown enough to stop questioning her.   
  
   Knockout decided to lead them to a different block. It was more crowded, but he felt much better since he had these two with him. Also, Breakdown seemed like he was enjoying the walk despite his limping.   
  
   “How is your leg Breakdown?” He heard Strongarm ask. She asked on every visit, even though Breakdown did not react at all.   
  
“It's fine my dear, he got his medicaments earlier. He may be in a little pain, but he's recovering quickly. It's just a little bit annoying for him, isn't it?”   
  
   He slowed down to pet Breakdown's cheek; the blue bruiser gave him a confused smile in return. He wondered how it had to be for him; to understand only so little, like a stranger without a translator installed in their brain-cog. Fortunately, the translator was one of the only upgrades which hadn't been burned, and could be installed again unlike his whole HUD. He just needed to learn the words in his native language first, and once he felt better they could install the data. He would probably enjoy the human movies way more once he could actually understand them.   
  
   Knockout did not expect the street to be this crowded. He hadn't been there in such a long time and he immediately noticed the changes; new shops and buildings had grown in a matter of months. He was realizing the poetic parallel between Breakdown and Cybertron healing. Slowly getting stronger and stronger but still corrupted by a sick core. Knockout hadn't really paid attention to a new plague happening in the form of their government, but now he could not help but notice propaganda assaulting him from every poster or news title. He really hoped it wouldn't kill Cybertron as rust would one day kill Breakdown.   
  
   Fortunately, their time shopping went smoothly. Breakdown was curiously taking things from shelves and sometimes dropped something, but he did not break anything. Knockout took a few goodies he knew Breakdown liked but also some new ones. Breakdown had never been picky before.   
  
   “Maybe we could go and eat somewhere? I heard there is a new place with great energon cakes, I bet Breakdown would like that.” Arcee suggested. What a dumb idea. There would be too many people, and he didn't have many credits left after shopping. Also he really, really did not feel that good about going to new places.   
  
   He did not want to agree to it, but before he could reply Strongarm asked Breakdown, who said yes. Knockout doubted he even understood the question. Maybe he did, but admitting that to himself would only make Knockout more annoyed and he did not want that.   
  
   They found a small, newly opened place. Fortunately at this time of day it was almost empty, and it made Knockout feel a little better even though he still did not want to be around strangers.   
  
   They ordered some fancy drinks and cake for Breakdown. The place wasn't cheap and Knockout was feeling financial pressure lately. He was more than happy when Arcee offered to pay. They most likely noticed Knockout's discomfort. Caretaking wasn't the best paid job.   
  
   Knockout first let Breakdown try to eat alone, showing him how to work with the fork, but as always, he managed to eat some but got a huge part of the cake on himself. It was even harder with that gigantic  frame of his blocking his attempt to get food into his mouth. Knockout remembered he used to have problems like this when he first got his frame modifications installed. It was like learning how to use his huge body again, except now it was after a traumatic experience and not after a surgery he had agreed on.   
  
   He resisted a little when Knockout wanted to take the fork away from him, but eventually gave up.   
  
   “You did really well but I just polished your frame today so let me help you,” He explained to him. Breakdown seemed like he want to say something, but it was hard for him to find the right words. Knockout guessed he agreed.    
  
   “You know Knockout, I was worried when I first heard you were going to take care of someone, but you are doing really well.”   
  
   “Well Arcee, I don't exactly enjoy it you know, it's not like it pays well. Also, caretaker Knockout does not sound as sexy as doctor Knockout,” He replied, not really wanting to slip into this conversation when Breakdown was right next to him.   
  
   “But sir, isn't your loved one getting better payment itself?”    
  
   “Uh, not really.” He said before he could stop himself. “I mean, I don't really want to talk about it here.”   
  
   That was kind of a lie. Five months ago, he would've run away if Breakdown magically became “normal” from day to day. He wouldn't have even hesitated. Run right back to Ratchet. But now? Now he wasn't sure about anything.   
  
   He did not love Breakdown, he did not wish to spend his whole life with him. But his feelings were stronger than just plain liking him. Cybertronian did not have a word that could've described his feelings; he had some of the synonyms in his downloaded language packages but it was too hard for him to put together, though he knew the definition existed in some alien language. Even some Earth ones.   
  
   He wiped Breakdown's face as he finished his cake, he was getting quite skilled in it. Not making any mess while feeding him anymore. But Knockout hoped he wouldn't need to develop his feeding skills to the next level since Breakdown seemed to want to attempt to feed himself alone.   
  
   The bruiser leaned into his palm as he was gently cleaning his face. His spark trembled but instead of jerking away he stroked his cheek with his thumb.

* * *

   They did not stay watching movies long that evening. Breakdown was seemingly exhausted from their little adventure to the other block and Knockout did not feel fresh as well.    
  
   After washing the dust from Breakdown he pulled him right to the berth. Cybertron was full of dust and dirt because of the many construction sites. It wasn't the bad kind of dirt, since it meant their home was getting better, richer, and more populated. But Knockout really couldn't tolerate Breakdown being messy.   
  
   He sat Breakdown on the berth and after he got rid of all the dust he began his regular spark chamber cleaning, giving it extra care that day. “Ratchet will be here tomorrow to check on your spark. Let's look like a proper patient with clean internal organs, shall we?” He said, noticing Breakdown's usual discomfort over the whole cleaning procedure.    
  
   “Knockout.” He almost whispered. “I hate.” Knockout felt his spark being squeezed, and he vented as he gently stroked Breakdown's cheek. He hated being opened too much.   
  
   “Shhhh I know, I know. But I have to do it. It won't be for long, ok?” Breakdown nodded after a long hesitation and leaned against the pillows, letting Knockout do his job.   
  
   Well, he wasn't surprised at all. After all, everyone who'd ever gotten close to his spark under his chest frame had hurt him. Everyone but Knockout. If he really had gotten closer to his spark during the time he was torturing him, he would have maybe found out he was still alive.   
  
   He finished and closed Breakdown's chest. “Ok we're done. Let's get some sleep, hm? I'm tired,” He said, feeling sadness and frustration creeping into him. He had hoped these feelings would go away as soon as Breakdown started to recover, but they'd gotten even worse. There were way more times when he felt happy and hopeful now, but proportionally the times of worry were even stronger and more painful. Knockout was sure if Breakdown's recovery progressed, he would soon start asking questions.    
  
   He tucked Breakdown into the heating blankets to make him comfortable and laid next to him, as far as possible. Tucking a bunch of pillows under his back and neck. Recharging with his back tires on could be extremely uncomfortable even though he could shift them closer to his body. He used to prefer recharging in his alt mode for this practical reason, but with partners he got used to sleeping in his robot mode. He usually asked his partners to take down the wheels before recharge, but asking Breakdown to do that wouldn't lead anywhere right now.   
  
   He hoped he could fall asleep soon to flush all these thought down the toilet of awfully annoying dreams.   
  
   After a short while a huge arm embraced him and pulled Knockout closer. Knockout vented, the pressure on his spark squeezing harder. He heard Breakdown's spark buzzing behind his audials, even the thick layer of his chassis could not mute the sound completely.   
  
   “Good bye,” Breakdown mumbled, half sleeping. If Knockout had skin he bet he would have goosebumps all over his body right now.    
  
   “It's good night Breakdown, you are not going anywhere,” He whispered, but got no reply back. He stayed up for a long time, listening to Breakdown's buzzing spark beat, being eaten alive by his thoughts before finally falling asleep. Aside from the worries it was a pleasant recharge.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also huge thank you to my amazing Zorka for an amazing [art](http://herr0starr.tumblr.com/post/162865485073/a-gift-for-the-amazing-charliedzilla).  
>   
> Get ready for more things changing in next chapter!


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